the trouble was - I did close my eyes, but only cause it felt safe to do just that.
"I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon a series of unfortunate events I saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky. I didn't really mind because I knew it takes getting everything you ever wanted and losing it to know what true freedom is."
Lana Del Rey "Ride"
That is, than falling in love
What you will do with your evenings,
What you read,
Fall in love,
I might have fallen in love, I really wanted to. I probably always will. I know now that's okay.
"Forever I will move like the world that turns beneath me
And when I lose my direction I'll look up to the sky
And when the black dress drags upon the ground
I'll be ready to surrender, and remember
Well we're all in this together
If I live the life I'm given, I won't be scared to die"
That is why we should never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
The list read as follows.
- Work on one thing at a time until finished.
- Start no more new books, add no more new material to "Black Spring."
- Don't be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
- Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
- When you can't create you can work.
- Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
- Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
- Don't be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
- Discard the Program when you feel like it—but go back to it next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.
- Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
- Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards.
I'm a bit of a planner. I planned our life together. It didn't have many borders, but it did have some essentials. I planned to give you a ring. I planned to write some vows and use a quote that I read and wrote down in early January. I dont know where I read it. I planned a life for us, a life without plans.
Now I need to plan differently. Plan a trip to Africa to build a library, Brazil to build a house, Cambodia to accompany a beautiful girl with red hair. I still plan on living a life with you, but its a different life, and its a different love, hopefully. Honestly, that's my hope. I love you. Ive said it before and Ill probably say it again, Ill love you forever.
And because now seems as good a time as any:
"I hope someday to love you to such a degree that I can see you as God sees you. "
It was somewhere between a question and an affirmation.
"Yes." was my reply.
We will call him John. Ive barely known him. He seems to have formed opinions of me. I'm comfortable with this. His opinions seem positive.
"Do you feel guilty about your success?" This was a question. I think he thought he knew the answer.
No. I work hard." This is truth. "I feel guilty cause I know I can give more." This is also truth.
"I'm thankful. Its raining and its cold. I have a roof over my head, I have a bed, I have a job I love that provides for me. But on my way here I passed several homeless people with tarps and blankets and makeshift tents. Its raining and its cold. I could do more."
I tell John that last week a yoga instructor massaged my neck and shoulders and head while I was laying with my eyes closed at the end of class. It wasn't sexual. I longed for her touch. I realized how long it had been since I had been touched. After class I cried in my car.
I told John about an organization in Portland that meets on thursday nights under the Burnside Bridge. They provide food and blankets and warm clothes to the homeless population that gathers there. They bring large basins in and wash the feet and hair of these men and women. Most wouldn't give much thought to how long some of these people have gone without physical touch, without love, without truly being seen. Telling John almost makes me cry. I dont. Someone told me once if a baby doesn't get touched, doesn't get hugged and kissed and loved, it will die. I believe this. I could give more.
John told me a story about his neighbor. "A nice guy, very successful, very rich" a doctor or lawyer or something that required many years of college. John happened upon the neighbors biography online. It was full of volunteer work. It was full of humanitarian awards. His nice, successful, very rich neighbor gave more.
"You're successful." This time a statement.
"But you haven't lost yourself. You dont let your success go to your head. I dont think you ever will. My neighbor didn't either. The measure of success, wealth, celebrity, is what you do with it. You're on your way, you're aware. You are a good man." The last statement he said as if he knew I forgot sometimes.
John seemed proud of me. It was genuine. He barely knows me.
After we parted, I cried in my car.
"I stood on an escalator thinking about those days and nights without once thinking I could change their outcome. I realized that since the last morning of 2003, the morning after he died, I had been trying to reverse time, run the film backward.
It was now 8 months later, August 30, 2004, and I still was.
The difference was that all through those eight months I had been trying to substitute an alternate reel. Now I was trying only to reconstruct the collision, the collapse of the dead star."
-JD "The Year of Magical Thinking"
a Christmas Present 'I had NOT sufficiently appreciated' till now.
BILL CUNNINGHAM'S- NEWYORK
"It’s like you’re screamin', but no one can hear.
You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing.
No one will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you.
But when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good."-Rihanna's Words
Someone I respect and love just informed me that they "hate the fashion industry"
Honestly, a lot of the time, I do too.
I have frequent thoughts of quitting it all together, traveling around the world with my camera shooting real life and real stories, immersing myself in other cultures.
Capturing: Non Fiction.
However, the following reminders, always boomerang back when I have doubt and frustration filling my heart:
At a very basic level, fashion is simply ART. Expression. Inspiration. The beauty of Gods world shown from my point of view.
I have an opportunity to be a positive influence and conduct myself and my business in a manner that builds people up and gives them an outlet to express themselves.. to make art... to create.
Every aspect of every industry has its dark side.... that is simply the role humanity plays. But for there to be light there needs to be dark, and in that extreme-balance and beauty can be found.
You are beautiful. One day, you'll know this on your own.
You wont need another person to tell you... and when you are told, it'll mean that much more.
I read the email and then I drove to your apartment.
I wanted to finish all of this, to end this drama and pain.
But- also- I wanted to see you. Your face is home to me.
I prayed the whole way.
My mouth was dry and my hands were trembling and I contemplated stopping to get a bottle of water.
I didnt stop.
And you werent there. I prayed you wouldnt be. I hoped you were.
I wanted to tell you some things that might surprise you.
I wanted to tell you to make a choice.
To choose him. But if you do choose him, to let go of me completely. To let go of the pain that was caused to you in life. To choose to rise above it.
Youre too stubborn to see that Ive changed. Youre too stubborn to see that Im capable of more. I wanted to tell you to choose me. I could never have said that out loud.
I wanted to tell you that this, is love. We are in the middle of it. You love me and I love you and its messy and its inconvenient, and sometimes it hurts like hell. I wanted to remind you that this is what you wanted. You wanted me to fall in love with you- and I fell. I wonder if I should wish I hadnt. I dont.
Today- I wanted this to end. Proper. I wanted to let you go completely. Ive been trying with all my strength and all my prayers. But I wanted to look into your eyes so we would both know its the truth.
You say that there was only pain... but there was connection and fireworks and laughter and flirtation and faith and so many words. There was an autumn and winter of words that served as our foundation.
From the first email. From the first sip of coffee. That is truth.
I went on a date yesterday. There was none of that. It was disappointing, and I missed you. Conversation that flowed easy for us... was absent. Ill try again. It was proof that we were, we are, real. And that we were not finished.
We are human and imperfect and that is okay. God has us right where he wants us to be. On this very sunny and cold November day a year after you first reached out to me- I was meant to stand on your doorstep and knock to no response... not even the stirring of a sulking cat. Gods will is perfect and we dont know when our journeys might cross again. Maybe never.
Never seems like a waste.
I put you away after we talked the last time. I thought I was falling out of love... I thought I was moving on... Then a picture of you brought it all back and I realized, its all still there. I wonder when the day comes that Ill wake up and not be affected by thoughts of you. When will I not miss you. Youre a phantom to me. You haunt me. In a way, its a romance neither of us ever imagined. The type from bad young adult novels that become overrated yet successful movie franchises. Im in love with a ghost.
The sadness we feel often reveals to us the things that are most important. Even as I type I wonder if I should keep fighting for you. I wont, but not because of a lack of love, because I respect you too much and dont want to cause you anymore pain.
My sadness revealed my love. It wont matter for me to tell you how important you are. It wont matter for me to dote that you are incredible. You dont believe it... not yet. My prayer for you daily is that one day soon you do.
You said I still have half your heart. You have all of mine- and in words channeled through you from your favorite singer,
"My love for you is real."
I read these words this morning.
I also read words that an amazing friend died.
these words on this morning followed by more words.
i dont have any words. im sitting here with emotions i dont know how to express. not poetically. not intelligently. Just feelings. ill miss my friend. ill miss her grace and ill miss her strength and her laugh. And by writing that down it makes it real and im starting to cry and i dont cry very much.
its fall. the light is beautiful. misty with golden sunlight that only occurs when the sun moves further from the earth and is diffused by a fog that hangs around the few brief hours of morning.
light to me is my emotion.. the words i cannot say... the description wouldn't mean as much.
I do feel.. though at times i seem .. too logical.. too apathetic... but that in the light - my true feelings are expressed.
Ill remember the light the morning i found out an amazing woman went to live with God. Ill remember the way i felt. The same way I remember the inky but pale blue dusk that enveloped my loft when my last relationship ended... or the brilliant summer sun that broke through my moms kitchen windows when i told her i was gay or the flashing neon bar light when my dad called to tell me that my grandmother was, as he worded it: "taken by the Lord"...
The light describes my feelings... the light describes my memories.
whenever the light of an autumn dawn mixes with morning fog, ill remember my friend. Ill remember that this life is short. that this life isnt to be taken for granted- relationships shouldnt be taken for granted. friendships shouldn't be taken for granted. Ill remember that love IS enough and sometimes love is all we need to make it through. Ill think of my friend and ill remember how lucky i was for knowing her... ill remember how lucky i am for loving and for feeling the love ive felt. Ill remember to express that love as often as possible. Cause life is short, tomorrow doesnt exist yet, we only have today, this moment. thats all. Ill miss my friend. the tears are gone. im happy to have known her.