synopsis of two souls sparking

• a nickle arcade
• a slap on the chest
  
• the top of a boulder in Boulder
• the freedom of a hawk
• the decision to kiss
• Irish folk music and two lesbian arguing over shoes
• an early morning interruption
  
• the perfect split between savory and sweet
• Collide(ing) with the help of a guitar on a bed in a basement
• a flight
• the excitement of uncertainty
• conversations from a thousand miles away and a mile above
• falling-longing-attaching-reading till one in the morning
  
• uneasiness caused by an underwear model
• asparagus, a sail boat, a sad girl named Shelly and some toast
• a train- a flight
• an emerald city
• an unveiling
• friends, first meetings, frog legs, and Guinness
• a train
• a stomach ache
• an airy loft- light and white
• a song from a Pretender
• a hyperactive hike
• a walk with questions looming
• a man in his head
• laughing about absolutely nothing
• a journal and a magnet
• a flight
• longing though only for a week
• learning to pray, learning to trust
  
• a flight
• a rainy reunion and the clarity of an aspen tree
• a windy hill and a tattered book store
• two dollar beers
• a snowy drive
• the view from a gondola high above a mountain town
• a sad movie and a couch not meant for two
• a closet organization
• a BBQ, a comedy club and a talk about uncertain futures
• some tears
• an internship and an internal sadness stemmed from selfishness
• a flight
• a koala bear mask in a box that looked as though it contained a bomb
• a mistake not to go to a concert
• a plan involving subletting
• a flight
• a tour of the east
• a new connection
• a bed, glowing in late afternoon sunlight
• an early alarm
• a shadow disappearing around a corner
• hesitation
• craigslist housing ads
• a busy couple weeks
• a canceled flight
• a graduation
• a request for space
• a week without
• apprehension
• one person's decision to hold on, another to let go
• a Wednesday night
• a loss
• a blank computer screen
• an emptiness....

Looking back- its all so clear- so crisp- the memories- so lifelike. The memories I am supposed to box up and put on a high shelf only to be looked at again when I am rummaging in the closet for some obscure and rarely used object, like an air mattress or Christmas decorations....

Im not ready.

People tell me that I need to be. People who want to see me happy. But, these memories make me happy! Why would I want to let them go? People tell me Ill make new memories- I understand that.. but none will be like these. These belong to me and only ONE other person, and they are "ours" and no one else. Though my memory holds and can recall them easier- more distinct, more vividly, I know they are in us both.

I am not ready to let them go-
Not today-

Maybe tomorrow....

Control?

How do we "let go" but still hold everything together??

How are we supposed to forget, and remember at the same time??

I am faced with a choice... To Let Go: Rip the band-aide off quickly. to commit to an action that carries so much apprehension and possible hurt...

OR

To continue to enable my wound. My loss. This pain that i feed on. This addiction that reminds me: "I AM ALIVE. I AM HURT. I FEEL."

To let go of the control I carry would be both frightening and liberating.

Would it bring peace? Probably.

Would I falter? Definitely.

Giving a situation to God takes a strength that we have to find in places we may have never looked. To give something to God, we have to be willing to jump in the backseat in our own lives, close our eyes and hope that we wake up safely at whatever destination HE would like us to visit.

To rip the band-aide off and not regret the sharp pain that might touch us briefly. Usually we will find new skin, healthier than the old underneath. The wound eventually fades.

This task. This choice. To let go. To move forward in a different way. To close your eyes. To open yourself up to change. To risk. To jump. This wont work unless we commit to our action. Unless we stand by our choice.

It is a choice to realize that we are never fully in control, and we really never have been.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."
PRVBS 3: 5-6