the sea, a shack and a new relationship... or three

I was on location in a small coastal town about a month ago. It was a busy weekend where the lines of work and fun were blurred and I barely had a minute to think about anything other than the present. It was nice. The struggles in my personal life were shelved for a full three days as I surrounded myself with my job, friends and the cool, crisp, windy sun-filled sea air. I wasn't able to 'dwell' that on the cusp of summer, the 'relationship' I was in... ended.

Though short, by most standards, I had grown attached, connected to this person who challenged me and brought a new outlook into my life. With that new outlook came a refreshing example of personal faith and inspired new avenues and commitment in my own faith. I am not one to form attachments this strong and this quickly and the end was difficult -as were the months that followed- There was an emptiness in my world. The loss of this friend, this connection, was felt every day... hour... minute. Exhausting.

So- This beach weekend was a welcome relief. Its ironic that the times when we aren't paying any attention, often are the times when the things we aren't paying attention to... resurface. Waiting for me at home was a simple friendly email briefly detailing a corner of our country I would be inspired by and a book suggestion..
'The Shack'.

Though I happened to own a copy of this particular book it had sat on my shelf for over a year, I had never picked it up. Really hadnt given it much thought. It wasn't until someone who meant the world to me suggest I read it, that i felt compelled to open it. As though reading this book would once again confirm feelings that this person cared about ME. Thought about ME.

What I did not expect was the effect that this simple narrative would have on me... on my life.. and above all, my faith. "The Shack" is a story of a man dealing with loss and pain and more sadness than Ive felt in a lifetime. Page by page I would read and feel guilty for spending the last few months of my life feeling lonely and ultimately sorry for myself.

This man, Mack, is treated to an unforgettable weekend that uproots his world and challenges all that he believes to be 'true'. He is able to establish a personal connection not only with God, but with Jesus and the Holy Spirit... In his connection with this trinity that to me has always seemed just beyond my own reach, suddenly became accessible.

I started to realize that though I "believe" in God and in Jesus, I haven't really had an authentic relationship with either of them. The more I read the more I became engrossed in Mack's story, and yearned for his experience... was envious of his ability to eventually connect with the three persona's of the Christian faith. I wanted that. Each conversation became more related to my own life and eventually this once elusive God, and his son and his spirit became close friends. My prayers evolved. They were laced more with love and acceptance of others, than with worldly gain and judgment. I was different. Funny, what a book can do. I as read and each chapter passed I felt something new in me. A love like Ive never felt. Unselfish love. Its the point isnt it? We get so caught up in how being loved makes us feel, we forget the beauty that is born when we love others. That is the real gift. That is what God intends and what Jesus preached. Not discriminating, not self serving, not passive... but real, authentic, unselfish, unconditional, humble, expressed, LOVE.

I was worried when I finished the book, my new friendships would be gone. Worried they would no longer be tangible. I would no longer be able to pick the book up, open it and connect with them as simply as it is to call a friend to meet for coffee or a walk in the park. Yet again, I had formed a quick and strong attachment and it scared me. I felt alone, unready to move on, unready to let my new friends go. But, the truth is, no one said I had to. They have been inside me since my first day on this earth. It was ME that was closed off to THEM, and not the other way around.

God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are not worldly. They do not change their minds. They do not have doubts about the uncertainty of our relationship. They are not afraid to get attached to me, to commit to me, they are not afraid I will hurt them. They will not reject me. They will forgive me. Their love is now more apparent in my life than anything or anyone. Though I cannot see them, they validate who I am. They love me no matter what. They see the terrible corners of my thoughts, my weaknesses, my shortcomings, my judgment, my guilt, my selfishness, stubbornness, choices, rules, rebellion, routines, pity... they see all of that and manage to look right through to focus only on Their creation. Though most of the time, lost, broken and irrevocably human, these three elusive entities love me for me.

With that knowledge, I can move forward knowing that if they can love me despite the seemingly negative list that drags us all down and tells us "you're just not good enough", I can love me too.

My prayer to everyone is that we gain the wisdom to love as God loves, with no agenda or expectation... nothing needed or necessary in return.

That is the beauty I found during my time in 'The Shack'. I went in feeling sorry for myself and left with a new understanding of why I am here.

Its really is all worthwhile.

forward motion

I might be starting to get it...

One step at a time...

One foot in front of the other...

The concept is easy, but the execution is a challenge.

"And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony." Col 3:14 NLT

I think its about forgiveness...

I was once in a relationship. It lasted just under three years. It was the longest, sometimes happiest, sometimes most destructive 'relationship' of my life to date... It ended over a year and half ago. Contact has been minimal. we have moved on in our own ways. Though we have grown from being together and from being apart, it is over.

Today, I received a card. It read;

"You are very special and I wish you all the good things your heart can handle. Take extra care of that big heart. You mean so much to so many people, including me." Love B

I needed this. Not because I needed validation from this person who is part of my past, but more just the sentiment it carried and the door it opened. Just when you get used to people being gone from your life, somehow, the important people find their way back in.

It can be unexpected and somewhat sudden. However- it proves that when someone means a lot to you, or you have shared something with someone [-a life -a love -pain -loss...], it is a beautiful and refreshing thing when they enter into your life in a completely different capacity.

The hurt we inflicted on each other in the past, the resentment, the power struggle , the mistrust, the anger and the silent games, are now, all ... somehow... gone.

A blurry memory.

We realize how much negativity we hold onto and how much it prevents us from truly loving as God intends. Once released, the power of this 'unconditional' love can not only mend the pain of the past- but also rebuild the foundation of the future.

Forgiveness.

Love.

For these seemingly unoriginal ideals to actually be enabled, we need to first apply them to ourselves and then direct them outward toward the people that make up our lives, the past relationships that have ended, the strangers who cut us off in traffic, the parents who wronged us, the friends that have disagreed with our opinions... everything and everyone we hold on to.

Forgive our own imperfections then: Forgive the past. Forgive the pain. Forgive the resentment. Forgive all the things we hold onto that limit us and hold us back from loving ourselves and loving each other.

wholly. unconditionally. once again...
LOVE.

LOVE-might be a stray eyelash...

I have a friend- Like most of my friends, she is someone I work with. She is young, smart, witty, and seemingly has her life together. The epitome of the "independent woman". She is the type of person who's life alone, seems whole. With such a dynamic and magnetic personality, you could never imagine a man who could complete her... fill her up... be anywhere on or around the same level as her.

YET- Such a man exists. To hear her talk about her husband is like hearing the equivalent of ancient love poems or Shakespearean sonnets. Her voice raises an octave, her face flushes and her body softens in a way that seems she might crumple to the ground in a heaping mess of adoration. Ive never heard her utter a single negative word about him, nor him, about her. They are supportive. They are compassionate. They truly LOVE each other.

Tonight, I was blessed to be able to have dinner with them. We sat and ate crepes and drank cheap beer at a 'hole in the wall' french cafe under a freeway overpass. In the dimness of garishly painted red walls, i witnessed them together. Though never a disgusting display of affection, their love for each other is plain, and always evident.

They carry on conversations in an independent way- they didn't even sit next to each other. (though i believe this was a valiant attempt to ease me into not feeling like the dreaded "third wheel") Never the less, their love enveloped our table.

Its interesting... to witness this, to observe two peoples deep, tender, ineffable feelings of affection toward each other. It makes me think and reflect about my own relationships -what was wrong? -what was right? It makes me think to the future -what is important? valuable? authentic?

What is next?

I thought about the present... where I am at right now... the person who fills up my thoughts... the notion that things change... people change... the thought that we may never have the chance to be this couple, and the realization that...
Ill... be .... ok.

These are the thoughts of growth. These are the thoughts of peace.

This is inspired.

As I witnessed my friend blow a stray eyelash from her husbands cheek, and kiss him on the nose... I felt strangely connected to these two people. I felt wrapped in their intimacy - inspired by their connectedness - encouraged that love like this exists.

THIS is a true reflection of humanity- not the hate, greed, violence, cynicism that consumes our media and our point of views. THIS is why we are here. To tear ourselves open to another person in this way and then let God sew us together- solidifying what is right about being human.

We are messy and broken and truly NEVER perfect. Although, with love we can get pretty damn close. ♡.

"Lights Will Guide You Home...."

Tonight was a rare evening. I was caught up on work and I had no plans with friends or family and I found myself looking forward to a couple hours spent entirely in the company of my couch. I decided to watch a documentary that had been delivered the day before. "Young @ Heart". It follows a choir made entirely of senior citizens, who tour the world unexpectedly performing hits from the Clash, Jimi Hendricks, Springsteen etc..

Though not always the most vocally talented bunch, this group has more heart than most of the people I've met in my comparably brief lifetime. During the hour and 45 min, I was surprised at the emotions that flowed freely from my soul. As I watched them practice, perform, struggle with complicated tongue tying lyrics, not to mention their general weakness of physicality, I became more and more attached to this handful of complete strangers.
Though the film chronicles two months in the Young@Heart Chorus members' lives as they prepare for a one-night concert in their hometown, two individuals held my attention.

Bob, and Fred.

Bob, a frail, ashen man more concerned with what octave to start in and less about the fact that he could barely catch his breath to speak.
&
Fred, hooked to a portable oxygen tank, was a larger man, with an even larger amount of charisma, and a voice that was shockingly similar to Johnny Cash.

Bob and Fred were chosen to perform a duet of Coldplays "Fix You".

A week into rehearsals, Bob passed away. The choir was notified shortly before they were to perform at a Massachusetts state prison. Though upset, distraught and probably questioning their own mortality, they went on stage. (in this case a grassy hill in the prison yard) … they sang. They sang with joy. They sang for their lost friend.

With frail swaying arms, this group of feisty geriatrics, inspired and moved the prisoners. Hardened, tattooed men, fought back tears. They felt. They opened themselves up, and embraced the joyfulness of the music.

The choir pushed on, and rehearsed and struggled and expressed how this special community helped to keep them young… helped them to have something to look forward to each day.

On opening night, their joy touched a packed theater, a full audience built of a variety of people. A community. Midway through the show, Fred, having lost his partner, sat alone in the middle of the stage.

Alone. The only sound, the electronic pump of his oxygen machine, he entered into the song dedicated to a fallen friend.
………………
“fix you”

I’ve probably heard this song over 100 times on the radio and have till now, written it off as “another pretty love song” but… quite suddenly… this popular song took on a whole new meaning. No longer a song from an overly emotional, sensitive boy to his love, it was now a song to a broken human from his loving God.

A song about hope, and strength and growth. A song about overlooking past failures, and regrets. A true love song about the one relationship that is pure and healthy. The one relationship we continuously take for granted… that we overlook… that we neglect… and yet this love is forgiving and knows our worth. Knows that even though we may think the love doesn’t fit, loves us anyway.

I cried (a lot)

It was good. It was beautiful and I released so much pain inside that I was holding onto. So much sadness I hadn’t been able to let go of. I was thankful for this flow of tears. For this blessing that I really didn’t expect when turning on the dvd player. Thank you Fred and the choir, thank you Bob, Thank you for the delight that they bring to people and the infectious happiness that spreads from each note they sing.

“…and high up above or down below, when your too in love to let it go, but if you never try you’ll never know, just what your worth…. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try…. to fix you.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_n0zvoHlVk

What If?

Today was spent in the company of two good friends.

Aaron: I have known for years, but more important than longevity, we have known each other through a gamut of times, experiences and emotions. Frustrations, Heartaches, Success, Love, we have talked about it all. I can count on him to always be there.

Liam: Though, Ive known him for a significantly shorter amount of time, he is someone I trust. Gentle, Goofy, Witty and always there with an ear when things are a bit rough.

Though there are HUGE differences when comparing myself to both of these men, I am grateful for the blessings they both bring into my life... I am grateful for their friendship.

Today, a warm, sunny, lazy summer Sunday, was spent boating on the river. Enjoying life. Forgetting problems- embracing true joy and losing ourselves in an easy, effortless sort of pleasure. Boating, was followed by beers and a burger which was followed with a late movie.

"The Hurt Locker"

A gritty an honest movie about three soldiers fighting in Iraq in 2004. Many thoughts came to me as I stared at the desert landscape for the better part of two hours.... and, what started as an opinion on war in general and the devastation, hurt, pain and scars it leaves on our world, on our humanity, turned into deeper insights on the lives it effects.

WHAT WE TAKE FOR GRANTED...

Amidst our brew pubs, boats, and air conditioned movie theaters, how often do we stop and think about the thousands of soldiers protecting our freedoms.

We distance ourselves. We rarely stop to think about the things these soldiers are expected to carry out on a daily bases... inhuman things.... hateful things... destructive things... then we ask them to simply "come home" and lead a "normal" life. Go to the grocery store, change a diaper, make a bank deposit... make love to their wives... relate to their families...

BE...

"n-o-r-m-a-l"

The movies was well made and well acted, though graphic at times. It did not in my eyes glorify war, but was more a showcase of the living hell it brings to those who's lives it touches. It was a window into a world I often don't give much thought. As I witnessed the Iraq in the movie, which as I can only imagine is a sugar coated taste of the actual country, I became increasingly thankful for my life and my simple and virtually unacknowledged freedoms.

As the movie ended, I found myself playing "what if?"

-What if it was ME over there?

-What if my day spent with Liam and Aaron involved dodging gunfire instead of wakeboarding and intertubing?

-What if that story was our reality, like it is for so many?

-What if WE were living that hell?

It is a reminder, we should treasure the time we have with the people we care about. We should never take for granted the conveniences in our lives. We should be constantly thankful of our simple freedom.

And...

...as often as we can, we should STOP. We should take a second to think about the people who fight everyday in the name of that freedom. The people who's lives are ripped apart by the violence of hate. Ripped apart by war.

The soldiers, yes. Their families, yes. Their mothers, yes... but also, the people of these countries so far away, so disconnected to our lives.... the man in the marketplace who is buying dinner for his family, the boy selling pirated DVDs on the army base... the people of a nation that has been torn into so many pieces no one knows or can estimate when or if, it can be mended.

Compassion. We have it in us. Stop. Think. Love... Give patriotism a rest. Love. Give prejudice a rest. Love. Think about what we are asking of soldiers. LOVE. Think past our clean, easy, uncomplicated lives.... LOVE.

We have it in us.
I could be that soldier....
I could be that man in the marketplace...
I could be that boy selling DVDs....
So could YOU.


LOVE.