swim.

Lana's Words

"I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon a series of unfortunate events I saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky. I didn't really mind because I knew it takes getting everything you ever wanted and losing it to know what true freedom is."

Lana Del Rey "Ride"

a man who falls in love.

“Nothing is more practical than finding God,
That is, than falling in love 

in a quite absolute, final way.
 

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination 

will affect everything. 

It will decide 

what will get you out of bed in the mornings,
What you will do with your evenings, 

How you spend your weekends,
What you read, 

Who you know,

What breaks your heart, 

And what amazes you with joy and gratitude. 

Fall in love, 

stay in love, 

and it will decide everything.” 

― Pedro Arrupe

It was a birthday card from a woman who has become more than just a pastor, with a prayer for hope and a scarf that is meant to match my eyes.

It was a Thursday when the light of possible love, companionship and new adventures with another, switched off with little explanation or clarity, only bad timing and a few tears. 

It was a Birthday, A day when friends gathered to support the creation of another, true blessings, true investments, a lot of flowing spirits. 

I'm 33 years old. I dont know when I became a man who falls in love. I dont know if I love the idea or the practice more. I like to think its both. I didn't know I was capable of caring so differently than I once did. Unexpectedly. Surprisingly. Different. I guess I am. 

We were meant to be sleeping next to each other last night. Entwined in warm protection from the cold autumn air. From the rain. From the past. From those who had wrenched our hearts just being human. We were helping each other learn forgiveness. We were helping each other learn faith. We were meant to sleep, wrapped in limbs and flesh, never moving until morning. 

I dont regret anything anymore. Maybe my panic when you vanished, like they do. Maybe clinging to the comparison that Ive felt this all before. Maybe I'm learning to be a better man.

I'm learning love and I'm practicing it, I'm getting better and I'm ready to apply it. I'm learning patience and I'm practicing it, I'm getting better. I'm learning loss. I'm learning life. I'm letting go.

I might have fallen in love, I really wanted to. I probably always will. I know now that's okay.

The words of two melodic brothers.

"Forever I will move like the world that turns beneath me
And when I lose my direction I'll look up to the sky
And when the black dress drags upon the ground
I'll be ready to surrender, and remember
Well we're all in this together
If I live the life I'm given, I won't be scared to die"

The Avett Brothers. - 

There is a spirituality to this song! Less are the lyrics, for me, about worldly love, but more a spiritual love letter of surrender and a freedom that can only come from the trust in the Lord!

Lewis' Words

some words for my brother-

That is why we should never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (New Living Translation)

Because I think its all about Love... and I guess some others do as well:

“Jesus does not merely talk the language of friendship, he lives out his life and death as a friend and he commands that his followers do the same.  The commandment to love as Jesus has loved may be the most radical words of the Gospel because it claims that the love that enabled Jesus to lay down his life for his friends is not unique to him.  This love can be replicated and embodied over and over again by his followers.  To keep Jesus’ commandment is to enact his love in our own lives…if we take Jesus’ commandment to love seriously, and if we long to give love freely and generously without counting the cost and without wondering and worrying about who is on the receiving end of our limitless love….  What counts most is the embodiment of God’s love in the world, not the character of those who receive this love.”

Cited from New Testament scholar Gail O’Day, in a sermon given by Rev. Beth Neel on the "Theology of Friendship",  Sunday May 13th. 

Bass's Words

“There's a part of every living thing that wants to become itself. The tadpole into the frog, the chrysalis into the butterfly, a damaged human being into a whole one. That is spirituality.” 

- Ellen Bass

Henry's List.

In the early-1930s, as he wrote what would become his first published novel — Henry Miller wrote a list of 11 commandments, to be followed by himself. 

The list read as follows.

COMMANDMENTS (1932-1933) 

1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to "Black Spring."
3. Don't be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
5. When you can't create you can work.
6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
8. Don't be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
9. Discard the Program when you feel like it—but go back to it next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.
10. Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
11. Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards.

my plan to make new plans.

Magnolia trees are starting to bloom on 15th ave. The spring in Portland is grey. I would never complain. In my car, country music is playing on the radio. Simple music with a simple message. Simply, love. An hour was spent with a new friend, a church pastor with a voice sweet, and soft as a primary school teacher. She said a prayer for me. For you. For love. For real love, true love, healthy love.

I'm a bit of a planner. I planned our life together. It didn't have many borders, but it did have some essentials. I planned to give you a ring. I planned to write some vows and use a quote that I read and wrote down in early January. I dont know where I read it. I planned a life for us, a life without plans.

Now I need to plan differently. Plan a trip to Africa to build a library, Brazil to build a house, Cambodia to accompany a beautiful girl with red hair. I still plan on living a life with you, but its a different life, and its a different love, hopefully. Honestly, that's my hope. I love you. Ive said it before and Ill probably say it again, Ill love you forever.

And because now seems as good a time as any:
"I hope someday to love you to such a degree that I can see you as God sees you. "

McManus- Uprising.