limits...

Earlier this week I had drinks with an old friend... a friend I’ve known since high school. A friend I’ve experienced a lot with over the last fifteen years... and as with most relationships, we have drifted in and out of each others lives... always aware that though we have made many different choices we will always care about each other. Over $4 beers at an Irish pub on first avenue in Portland called Paddy’s she mentioned that she would love to see the world... experience other cultures. I encouraged her to start planning a trip somewhere she has always wanted to go, somewhere that would be a challenge to her, a place where she could step outside her comfort zone, grow in new experiences and gain new perspectives.

Instead of inspiring her- my encouragement seemed to simply piss her off. She poured out a number of what I took to be excuses of just how unrealistic a trip like this would be. She: "couldn’t afford it", "couldn’t take the time off of work", "couldn’t leave her son", "couldn’t this, couldn’t that" I explained that a trip like this "couldn’t" happen if she kept telling herself that it can’t. I explained, quite rationally I thought, that she was limiting herself with excuses and that dreams CAN become reality with the right attitude... again instead of inspiring her, I managed to frustrate her further, not liking what I had to say at all, nor did I like her point of view... we spent the rest of our time sipping our beers in an awkward and frustrated silence.

The evening made me think:

Why do we limit ourselves?

Why do we put boundaries on our dreams? Furthermore, why call them "dreams" at all? Why not call them Goals? Why not be open to the infinite amount of possibilities out there for us to experience? We put limits and rules and laws on just about everything in our lives; Travel, Adventure, Happiness, Consumption, Love, Risk, Relationship...

Why do we so frequently tell ourselves "NO.”?

The more I live, the more I am finding that there is a certain amount of risk involved in living. Making the choice to place yourself outside all comfort zones takes a courage that many are too complacent to feel. Is it safe to say that in limiting the risks we take we are actually just letting fear take control and live life for us?

Whether it’s traveling to new exotic locations, quitting the security of a job that we hate, opening ourselves up to another person... we seem to want to regulate everything in we do. We are not willing to be open to all the opportunities life provides and truly just BE. We need to calculate the outcome, or the return on the investment, or the longevity of the relationship, or the money in our bank accounts... we let that fear hold us back, we worry that if we let it go, others might say; "well, that wasn’t responsible" or "they don’t seem right together". Perhaps the one thing in this life we DO need to limit is the judgment we share at every opportunity and the fear that stems from it.

With that said, I am completely aware that my writing is a hopeful commentary on my thoughts and opinions and feelings. And in this writing I am also aware that I am limiting my voice- what I truly desire to admit or say- my true, raw and uncensored self, the unlimited truth. The thing is, I really DON’T know anything. I’m just trying to live and figure shit out as I go. I often feel like I am doing it all wrong, like I am too lazy, too opinionated, too expectant, simply not good enough. I am pretty sure we all feel this way. I limit even admitting when I am mad, always trying to put a positive spin on all situations. See the beauty in everything and in everyone… At times, its exhausting. I long for adventure but most of the time I am so comfortable stuck in routines that I too am scared to open myself up to the risk involved in putting myself in those situations. My list of limitations goes on and on and on and on… and its long and it makes me very decidedly human.

But I am aware of my list of fears. I am constantly reminded to take new risks, to step outside my routines, and I am lucky enough to be provided with the support and inspiration to do just that. This year alone, I witnessed several people in my life break free of their fear and embrace their “dreams”- shed limitations and embrace risk. From simply spending a couple months in Costa Rica, to quitting a job of five plus years because it wasn’t truly the right fit, to walking across the country to really connect with self and community- these daring friends continue to inspire me to not lose sight of my dreams, my goals, my evolution and what it feels like to really live life. So- with their inspired stories in my back pocket, and my courage worn on my sleeve, though at times reluctantly, I am working to limit my fear, as life is far too short to limit living. As for my reluctant friend, well, I can only hope that they way I choose to live my life inspires her to shed her fears and take some risks of her own. Until then, I'll try my best to not piss her off and if I do, at the very least pick up the tab.