... in three days it will have been two years since I put my pencil to this journal and wrote about the hope I had for a new relationship- since then Ive filled the plain white pages with my tiny writing. Ive written about struggle and heart ache, goals, love, passion, desire, Ive written about faith and relationships with family, with friends, with lovers, with God.. Ive quoted writers, and pastors, and poets and musician. Its all in here. The pages are now smudged. Some barely legible. Now, looking back, its comforting to read and recollect the times that were hard. Times when I felt lost. Times I felt so alone. Reading these entries again, I know now that I am "OK" and I always have been. I always will be. Ive grown and God willing I'm still growing. As a person, as a friend, as a partner, as a brother, and a son. Ive changed, Ive searched, Ive pushed for authenticity, for truth.
To live honest and to live good.
To be.
The air in the plane is muggy and for the last half hour its been hard to breath in the thick recycled oxygen. Ill probably catch a cold. I could use some water and I am very aware there are still two hours remaining of my journey. I want to close my eyes and wake up in the cold and rain of a Portland night in April- but I know, the minute we touch down, my life will start to run at full speed once more- and moments of reflection are few and far between. I need reflection. I need the extra time, high in the clouds with nothing but heavy air to distract my thoughts. Earlier tonight I listened to a sermon, Shane Hipps spoke on the book of Ecclesiastes. He preached to be aware of the lives we have instead of constantly searching for something more, something to complete us. The constant struggle of: "if I could just obtain this, then Ill be like that." what a perfect way to fill up the last two pages of this journal. With the knowledge and acceptance of who I am... who I want to become...who Ive been, how Ive grown, and an awareness that I live a complete life- Right here. Right now. I live a complete life. Ive got great friends, and great family. Ive been in love, Ive felt loved in return. I am flying away from the potential of a whole new love... a whole new possibility... Its exciting. Its scary. Its beautiful. Ive experienced so much in my 31 years alive and I'm fairly certain this is all just the beginning of what is to be an outstanding journey.
I don't need to search any further for what will fill my life with meaning- because my life already has it. in the relationships, the passions, the joy, the faith I carry with me everyday. In a phone call from my brother, or sitting on the couch watching bad TV with my best friend, or in the brilliant blue eyes of a misplaced Texan... I'm confident that if this was 'it', if life were to end on this plane right here- right now, it wouldn't have been a waste. none of it. It wouldn't be a sad ending. But a celebration of a person who truly lived! So with that, I'm going to end this final page with a new list of goals- not because I need them to complete my life, but because I recognize that they fill my life with passion - Gods passion - His passion for this world and his passion for us. To live. They fill my life with creativity and hope and beauty and new stories, and new connections. They may be things I never even get around to starting, but - they are here- my thoughts and my hopes for my life at this exact moment in time- and that is REAL and that is AUTHENTIC and that is TRUTH and that is LIVING...
---------GOALS 2011--------
TAKE A ROAD TRIP | TAKE ANOTHER ROAD TRIP | HIKE AND CAMP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE | TAKE GUITAR LESSONS|GET A PUPPY| PAY OFF CREDIT CARDS| START DOING YOGA | READ MORE | WRITE MORE | GO TO ARGENTINA | VOLUNTEER| BRING GODS HEAVEN TO THIS EARTH| FALL IN LOVE AGAIN| TELL MORE STORIES WITH MY CAMERA | PROMOTE MY BUSINESS | GO TO NEW YORK MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR- FEEL THE ENERGY OF THE CITY | EXPERIENCE CULTURES THAT SCARE ME INITIALLY | CULTURES I'M IN AWE OF | CULTURES I CAN IMMERSE MYSELF IN | START A NEW JOURNAL | SEE MORE LIVE BANDS | BUY A NEW CAMERA | BE MORE TOLERANT | COMPROMISE IF IT MATTERS | GET INVOLVED | FIND A CAUSE: MERCY CORPS, THE ONE ORGANIZATION, HABITAT FOR HUMANITY | FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK INTERNATIONALLY | BUILD A NEW WEBSITE | BUY A CAR | DRIVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY | RIDE MORE ROLLER COASTERS | LEARN TO ROCK CLIMB | LIVE EVERY DAY GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN | PRAY MORE BEFORE I EAT | GROW MY HAIR REALLY LONG | CUT MY HAIR ALL OFF AND DONATE IT | BE MORE AWARE, HUMBLE, PASSIONATE, FLEXIBLE | FIND A CHURCH I LIKE | LEARN TO SPEAK ITALIAN | LEARN TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE | WATCH MORE BW MOVIES | LEARN TO SKI | SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY BROTHER, MY SISTER, MY NEPHEWS, MY NIECE | EMBRACE EACH MINUTE IN LIFE | LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS, WITHOUT BOUNDARIES | LIVE IN THE TRUTH OF GODS LOVE FOR THIS WORLD.
TAKE A ROAD TRIP | TAKE ANOTHER ROAD TRIP | HIKE AND CAMP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE | TAKE GUITAR LESSONS|GET A PUPPY| PAY OFF CREDIT CARDS| START DOING YOGA | READ MORE | WRITE MORE | GO TO ARGENTINA | VOLUNTEER| BRING GODS HEAVEN TO THIS EARTH| FALL IN LOVE AGAIN| TELL MORE STORIES WITH MY CAMERA | PROMOTE MY BUSINESS | GO TO NEW YORK MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR- FEEL THE ENERGY OF THE CITY | EXPERIENCE CULTURES THAT SCARE ME INITIALLY | CULTURES I'M IN AWE OF | CULTURES I CAN IMMERSE MYSELF IN | START A NEW JOURNAL | SEE MORE LIVE BANDS | BUY A NEW CAMERA | BE MORE TOLERANT | COMPROMISE IF IT MATTERS | GET INVOLVED | FIND A CAUSE: MERCY CORPS, THE ONE ORGANIZATION, HABITAT FOR HUMANITY | FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK INTERNATIONALLY | BUILD A NEW WEBSITE | BUY A CAR | DRIVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY | RIDE MORE ROLLER COASTERS | LEARN TO ROCK CLIMB | LIVE EVERY DAY GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN | PRAY MORE BEFORE I EAT | GROW MY HAIR REALLY LONG | CUT MY HAIR ALL OFF AND DONATE IT | BE MORE AWARE, HUMBLE, PASSIONATE, FLEXIBLE | FIND A CHURCH I LIKE | LEARN TO SPEAK ITALIAN | LEARN TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE | WATCH MORE BW MOVIES | LEARN TO SKI | SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY BROTHER, MY SISTER, MY NEPHEWS, MY NIECE | EMBRACE EACH MINUTE IN LIFE | LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS, WITHOUT BOUNDARIES | LIVE IN THE TRUTH OF GODS LOVE FOR THIS WORLD.
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