"Meanings change but not the tale"

You emailed me late last night. I read it this morning. It was passionate, yet arrogantly misguided.

You are beautiful. One day, you'll know this on your own.
You wont need another person to tell you... and when you are told, it'll mean that much more.

I read the email and then I drove to your apartment.

I wanted to finish all of this, to end this drama and pain.
But- also- I wanted to see you. Your face is home to me.

I prayed the whole way.

My mouth was dry and my hands were trembling and I contemplated stopping to get a bottle of water.

I didnt stop.

And you werent there. I prayed you wouldnt be. I hoped you were.

I wanted to tell you some things that might surprise you.
I wanted to tell you to make a choice.

To choose him. But if you do choose him, to let go of me completely. To let go of the pain that was caused to you in life. To choose to rise above it.

Youre too stubborn to see that Ive changed. Youre too stubborn to see that Im capable of more. I wanted to tell you to choose me. I could never have said that out loud.

I wanted to tell you that this, is love. We are in the middle of it. You love me and I love you and its messy and its inconvenient, and sometimes it hurts like hell. I wanted to remind you that this is what you wanted. You wanted me to fall in love with you- and I fell. I wonder if I should wish I hadnt. I dont.

Today- I wanted this to end. Proper. I wanted to let you go completely. Ive been trying with all my strength and all my prayers. But I wanted to look into your eyes so we would both know its the truth.

You say that there was only pain... but there was connection and fireworks and laughter and flirtation and faith and so many words. There was an autumn and winter of words that served as our foundation.

From the first email. From the first sip of coffee. That is truth.

I went on a date yesterday. There was none of that. It was disappointing, and I missed you. Conversation that flowed easy for us... was absent. Ill try again. It was proof that we were, we are, real. And that we were not finished.

We are human and imperfect and that is okay. God has us right where he wants us to be. On this very sunny and cold November day a year after you first reached out to me- I was meant to stand on your doorstep and knock to no response... not even the stirring of a sulking cat. Gods will is perfect and we dont know when our journeys might cross again. Maybe never.

Never seems like a waste.

I put you away after we talked the last time. I thought I was falling out of love... I thought I was moving on... Then a picture of you brought it all back and I realized, its all still there. I wonder when the day comes that Ill wake up and not be affected by thoughts of you. When will I not miss you. Youre a phantom to me. You haunt me. In a way, its a romance neither of us ever imagined. The type from bad young adult novels that become overrated yet successful movie franchises. Im in love with a ghost.

There are things only sorrow can teach. And I feel to avoid pain we are only attempting to live shallow lives...

The sadness we feel often reveals to us the things that are most important. Even as I type I wonder if I should keep fighting for you. I wont, but not because of a lack of love, because I respect you too much and dont want to cause you anymore pain.

My sadness revealed my love. It wont matter for me to tell you how important you are. It wont matter for me to dote that you are incredible. You dont believe it... not yet. My prayer for you daily is that one day soon you do.

You said I still have half your heart. You have all of mine- and in words channeled through you from your favorite singer,

"My love for you is real."