a man who falls in love.

“Nothing is more practical than finding God,
That is, than falling in love 

in a quite absolute, final way.
 

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination 

will affect everything. 

It will decide 

what will get you out of bed in the mornings,
What you will do with your evenings, 

How you spend your weekends,
What you read, 

Who you know,

What breaks your heart, 

And what amazes you with joy and gratitude. 

Fall in love, 

stay in love, 

and it will decide everything.” 

― Pedro Arrupe

It was a birthday card from a woman who has become more than just a pastor, with a prayer for hope and a scarf that is meant to match my eyes.

It was a Thursday when the light of possible love, companionship and new adventures with another, switched off with little explanation or clarity, only bad timing and a few tears. 

It was a Birthday, A day when friends gathered to support the creation of another, true blessings, true investments, a lot of flowing spirits. 

I'm 33 years old. I dont know when I became a man who falls in love. I dont know if I love the idea or the practice more. I like to think its both. I didn't know I was capable of caring so differently than I once did. Unexpectedly. Surprisingly. Different. I guess I am. 

We were meant to be sleeping next to each other last night. Entwined in warm protection from the cold autumn air. From the rain. From the past. From those who had wrenched our hearts just being human. We were helping each other learn forgiveness. We were helping each other learn faith. We were meant to sleep, wrapped in limbs and flesh, never moving until morning. 

I dont regret anything anymore. Maybe my panic when you vanished, like they do. Maybe clinging to the comparison that Ive felt this all before. Maybe I'm learning to be a better man.

I'm learning love and I'm practicing it, I'm getting better and I'm ready to apply it. I'm learning patience and I'm practicing it, I'm getting better. I'm learning loss. I'm learning life. I'm letting go.

I might have fallen in love, I really wanted to. I probably always will. I know now that's okay.