WE DISTRACT OURSELVES-
I DISTRACT MYSELF-
Work- Play- Friends- Schedules- "Responsibility"
We use these things to mask feelings, to cover our pain, our loss, our emotions...
We call this "Living"...
I woke up in the middle of the night, and for some reason had a saying my head... a saying Ive never heard... "where excess exceeds expectations". I wrote it down, rolled over and went back to sleep. In the morning, i looked at my journal and there at the top was this curious little compilation of words that my mind for some reason put together. It made little sense to me, but i knew that if I gave it an appropriate amount of reflection, i would find some sort of meaning in the obscure thoughts of my sleep.
There are many things that really come to mind... How we live in excess... how we overcompensate for so much in our lives, how we really don't NEED the things we possess, and quite honestly how most of us (myself included) take that "excess" for granted... What i chose to dwell on though, was the excess of distraction.
Lately, Ive filled every minute of my day and night with "Activities"
wake up... check emails... meeting... gym... shower... drinks with a friend... movie with another friend... sleep... wake up.. check emails... edit... gym... shower... dinner with brother... sleep.. wake up...
I am attempting to drown out thoughts that tend to wander to certain area of my recent past... thoughts that linger and stir up a kaleidoscope of emotions, happy memories that are suddenly overtaken by a flood of sadness and longing. No longer wanting to enable this pain, I have quite simply not scheduled time for it.
To strip away the excess we surround ourselves with, the distractions, we are then left alone with our thoughts, Messy. At times painful. Sappy. Human thoughts. Time alone facing these perceptions of our feelings, can be staggering, full of so much fear and insecurity.
Unless, when we strip away all the excess, we find exactly what God intends us to find....
HIM.
JESUS.
There. Waiting. As always, for us to glance his way. For us to look past our day planners, our gym memberships, our happy hours and our meetings over high priced coffee... Waiting for us to push aside the things we clutter our existence with and truly see Him, and his love, and the beauty in that, and the power we could allow him to fill our lives with. How can we expect to truly FEEL what God has intended for us, if our lives are full of unnecessary excess?
We cant.
7.27.2009
7.12.2009
a realistic romance
I just got off the phone with my stepmother. A woman who has been in my life for 20 plus years. A woman who has cared for me as a child of her own. A woman who has had to live with my very complicated father for a very, very, very long time.
Through a magnitude of problems, imperfections, sickness, financial instability, and everything else imaginable that accompanies twenty years of marriage... she has stood by him and him by her.
Tonight we discussed my Dad's recent diagnosis of Diabetes and a new heart condition that doctors are saying might take his life in as little as a year.
Having first hand knowledge what it is like to live with my father through sickness after sickness, and one death scare after another.... surgeries..... medications.... doom... dread...and a general negativity that robs him of being the person he could be... takes a special, patient type of person, that honestly I stopped trying to be a very long time ago. You build a numbness to the guilt that is inflicted by watching the man you are meant to look up to, live in a world of pain and uncertainty. You simply try to encourage, love, and offer any positive perspective that generally goes unheard.
This conversation with my Stepmother was different than others we have had. There was an honesty to it, a raw emotion... a tone to her voice that was lined with both strength and hopelessness. In that voice, I heard twenty years of love that had survived times of resentment, unhappiness, and wanting nothing more than leave and start over. A love that penetrated every word she spoke. Every word that held the seriousness of his situation... of her situation.
As she talked about "options", about doctors, about shots and pills and tests, and about his frustrations and discouragement with a body that is failing him. A body that was once strong. Powerful. A star athlete. A police officer, A coach. A body that now has trouble standing upright. A body that is now bruised from shots and bloated from pills and years of poor dietary choices.
-she cried
-she loved -she felt (and i felt) her words, her loss. She outlined that the only thing she could do was love. support. and move forward. She expressed, that through ALL of this, LOVE was the most important part of their lives.
-This type of love isn't glamorous. It isn't stylized or really even traditionally romantic. It is however, REAL. Its the honest love of two people who have been through a lifetime of challenges and stuck by each other because they felt that their love was worth it. At times it was questioned, but it lasted. It triumphed over arguments, slamming doors and squealing tires. tears shed. hurt inflicted. hearts wounded. pain felt. IT LASTED. It dripped from every word she spoke. From every tear i hid from her through the phone. Its a reality that was staggering.... and inspiring.
For my parents, a love that has been challenged on more occasions than can be added up is now, through pain and sickness, stronger than ever.
"to make this journey and not fall deeply in love, is to never live a life at all..."
Anthony Hopkins, Meet Joe Black
Through a magnitude of problems, imperfections, sickness, financial instability, and everything else imaginable that accompanies twenty years of marriage... she has stood by him and him by her.
Tonight we discussed my Dad's recent diagnosis of Diabetes and a new heart condition that doctors are saying might take his life in as little as a year.
Having first hand knowledge what it is like to live with my father through sickness after sickness, and one death scare after another.... surgeries..... medications.... doom... dread...and a general negativity that robs him of being the person he could be... takes a special, patient type of person, that honestly I stopped trying to be a very long time ago. You build a numbness to the guilt that is inflicted by watching the man you are meant to look up to, live in a world of pain and uncertainty. You simply try to encourage, love, and offer any positive perspective that generally goes unheard.
This conversation with my Stepmother was different than others we have had. There was an honesty to it, a raw emotion... a tone to her voice that was lined with both strength and hopelessness. In that voice, I heard twenty years of love that had survived times of resentment, unhappiness, and wanting nothing more than leave and start over. A love that penetrated every word she spoke. Every word that held the seriousness of his situation... of her situation.
As she talked about "options", about doctors, about shots and pills and tests, and about his frustrations and discouragement with a body that is failing him. A body that was once strong. Powerful. A star athlete. A police officer, A coach. A body that now has trouble standing upright. A body that is now bruised from shots and bloated from pills and years of poor dietary choices.
-she cried
-she loved -she felt (and i felt) her words, her loss. She outlined that the only thing she could do was love. support. and move forward. She expressed, that through ALL of this, LOVE was the most important part of their lives.
-This type of love isn't glamorous. It isn't stylized or really even traditionally romantic. It is however, REAL. Its the honest love of two people who have been through a lifetime of challenges and stuck by each other because they felt that their love was worth it. At times it was questioned, but it lasted. It triumphed over arguments, slamming doors and squealing tires. tears shed. hurt inflicted. hearts wounded. pain felt. IT LASTED. It dripped from every word she spoke. From every tear i hid from her through the phone. Its a reality that was staggering.... and inspiring.
For my parents, a love that has been challenged on more occasions than can be added up is now, through pain and sickness, stronger than ever.
"to make this journey and not fall deeply in love, is to never live a life at all..."
Anthony Hopkins, Meet Joe Black
6.25.2009
synopsis of two souls sparking
- a nickle arcade
- a slap on the chest
- the top of a boulder in Boulder
- the freedom of a hawk
- the decision to kiss
- Irish folk music and two lesbian arguing over shoes
- an early morning interruption
- the perfect split between savory and sweet
- Collide(ing) with the help of a guitar on a bed in a basement
- a flight
- the excitement of uncertainty
- conversations from a thousand miles away and a mile above
- falling-longing-attaching-reading till one in the morning
- uneasiness caused by an underwear model
- asparagus, a sail boat, a sad girl named Shelly and some toast
- a train- a flight
- an emerald city
- an unveiling
- friends, first meetings, frog legs, and Guinness
- a train
- a stomach ache
- an airy loft- light and white
- a song from a Pretender
- a hyperactive hike
- a walk with questions looming
- a man in his head
- laughing about absolutely nothing
- a journal and a magnet
- a flight
- longing though only for a week
- learning to pray, learning to trust
- a flight
- a rainy reunion and the clarity of an aspen tree
- a windy hill and a tattered book store
- two dollar beers
- a snowy drive
- the view from a gondola high above a mountain town
- a sad movie and a couch not meant for two
- a closet organization
- a BBQ, a comedy club and a talk about uncertain futures
- some tears
- an internship and an internal sadness stemmed from selfishness
- a flight
- a koala bear mask in a box that looked as though it contained a bomb
- a mistake not to go to a concert
- a plan involving subletting
- a flight
- a tour of the east
- a new connection
- a bed, glowing in late afternoon sunlight
- an early alarm
- a shadow disappearing around a corner
- hesitation
- craigslist housing ads
- a busy couple weeks
- a canceled flight
- a graduation
- a request for space
- a week without
- apprehension
- one person's decision to hold on, another to let go
- a Wednesday night
- a loss
- a blank computer screen
- an emptiness....
Im not ready.
People tell me that I need to be. People who want to see me happy. But, these memories make me happy! Why would I want to let them go? People tell me Ill make new memories- I understand that.. but none will be like these. These belong to me and only ONE other person, and they are "ours" and no one else. Though my memory holds and can recall them easier- more distinct, more vividly, I know they are in us both.
I am not ready to let them go-
Not today-
Maybe tomorrow....
6.17.2009
Control?
How do we "let go" but still hold everything together??
How are we supposed to forget, and remember at the same time??
I am faced with a choice... To Let Go: Rip the band-aide off quickly. to commit to an action that carries so much apprehension and possible hurt...
OR
To continue to enable my wound. My loss. This pain that i feed on. This addiction that reminds me: "I AM ALIVE. I AM HURT. I FEEL."
To let go of the control I carry would be both frightening and liberating.
Would it bring peace? Probably.
Would I falter? Definitely.
Giving a situation to God takes a strength that we have to find in places we may have never looked. To give something to God, we have to be willing to jump in the backseat in our own lives, close our eyes and hope that we wake up safely at whatever destination HE would like us to visit.
To rip the band-aide off and not regret the sharp pain that might touch us briefly. Usually we will find new skin, healthier than the old underneath. The wound eventually fades.
This task. This choice. To let go. To move forward in a different way. To close your eyes. To open yourself up to change. To risk. To jump. This wont work unless we commit to our action. Unless we stand by our choice.
It is a choice to realize that we are never fully in control, and we really never have been.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."
PRVBS 3: 5-6
How are we supposed to forget, and remember at the same time??
I am faced with a choice... To Let Go: Rip the band-aide off quickly. to commit to an action that carries so much apprehension and possible hurt...
OR
To continue to enable my wound. My loss. This pain that i feed on. This addiction that reminds me: "I AM ALIVE. I AM HURT. I FEEL."
To let go of the control I carry would be both frightening and liberating.
Would it bring peace? Probably.
Would I falter? Definitely.
Giving a situation to God takes a strength that we have to find in places we may have never looked. To give something to God, we have to be willing to jump in the backseat in our own lives, close our eyes and hope that we wake up safely at whatever destination HE would like us to visit.
To rip the band-aide off and not regret the sharp pain that might touch us briefly. Usually we will find new skin, healthier than the old underneath. The wound eventually fades.
This task. This choice. To let go. To move forward in a different way. To close your eyes. To open yourself up to change. To risk. To jump. This wont work unless we commit to our action. Unless we stand by our choice.
It is a choice to realize that we are never fully in control, and we really never have been.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."
PRVBS 3: 5-6
5.27.2009
more words...
Four months...
To the day...
To grow to care for someone, to know aspects of who they are, to see a future, a glimpse of a life, a "what if"... is such an extraordinary thing. Words can touch, humor, settle, hurt, frustrate. Words can ignite hours of rolling laughter, words can inspire prayer and comfort... Words can conflict, confuse, express... Words can end or start something.
Three months ago words started something... "hello" or most likely "yo" ... tonight a word, a single word, said "Bye".
But it wasn't a single word was it? it was prefaced with thousands of other words, explaining, expressing, aching, struggling and it happened to finish with "bye". Or, was it an end at all? Perhaps it was a beginning, a realistic expression of humanity, an honest truth, a caring sentiment, a letting go and giving up of a situation, a connection. Giving to God. Giving to love, life, faith. When we say "bye" is it really forever, or can "bye" mean; "hopefully soon"?
We are given a choice. We can be dragged down by the sorrow, sadness and loss of the things we hold close, or we can learn and live and hope. I choose to stay optimistic. I choose to return to hopeful thoughts, i choose to grow and learn and live.
Four months to build an attachment, attraction, emotion to someone... one word to protect and secure its future?
"bye."
"but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not faint" Isaiah 40:31
To the day...
To grow to care for someone, to know aspects of who they are, to see a future, a glimpse of a life, a "what if"... is such an extraordinary thing. Words can touch, humor, settle, hurt, frustrate. Words can ignite hours of rolling laughter, words can inspire prayer and comfort... Words can conflict, confuse, express... Words can end or start something.
Three months ago words started something... "hello" or most likely "yo" ... tonight a word, a single word, said "Bye".
But it wasn't a single word was it? it was prefaced with thousands of other words, explaining, expressing, aching, struggling and it happened to finish with "bye". Or, was it an end at all? Perhaps it was a beginning, a realistic expression of humanity, an honest truth, a caring sentiment, a letting go and giving up of a situation, a connection. Giving to God. Giving to love, life, faith. When we say "bye" is it really forever, or can "bye" mean; "hopefully soon"?
We are given a choice. We can be dragged down by the sorrow, sadness and loss of the things we hold close, or we can learn and live and hope. I choose to stay optimistic. I choose to return to hopeful thoughts, i choose to grow and learn and live.
Four months to build an attachment, attraction, emotion to someone... one word to protect and secure its future?
"bye."
"but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not faint" Isaiah 40:31
4.07.2009
WORDS...
The power of words is too often underestimated. Words can unite nations, inspire emotions, bring people together, and tear people apart. Words can be used to to love, to hate, to wound, to pray, Words can bring optimism, can bring answers to the confused, clarity to the unclear, happiness to the sad, relief to the unsettled, companionship to the lonely... Words can also destroy.
I am sitting in the sun, far from anywhere Ive ever called home. On the porch of someone Ive barely been able to know, yet someone who's words have brought me comfort, companionship, happiness, faith, and the excitement of new possibilities... and on this porch, in this new place, i am looking for the words that are inside of me. Words that will break through over a year of numbness, to deliver new life, light, and motivation to my being. Words that can build. Words that can begin....
I am sitting in the sun, far from anywhere Ive ever called home. On the porch of someone Ive barely been able to know, yet someone who's words have brought me comfort, companionship, happiness, faith, and the excitement of new possibilities... and on this porch, in this new place, i am looking for the words that are inside of me. Words that will break through over a year of numbness, to deliver new life, light, and motivation to my being. Words that can build. Words that can begin....
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