Hugo's Words

"to love another person is to see the face of God."
-VH

Newtons Words

Our pleasure and our duty,

Though opposite before;

Since we have seen his beauty,

Are joined to part no more:

It is our highest pleasure,

-JN

Dicken's Words

"Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!"

-CD (great expectations)

Dioum's Words

"In The End
We Will Conserve
Only What We Love
We Will Love
Only What We Understand
We Will Understand
Only What We Are Taught"
-BD

Cumming's words

"dive for dreams or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots and wind is wind) 
trust your heart if the seas catch fire
(and live by love though the stars walk backward) 
honour the past but welcome the future
(and dance your death away at the wedding) 
never mind a world with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls and tomorrow and the earth)..."
-ec

TAKE A CHANCE. RISK. DIVE.

Hope and Sharks...

its 3am. I had a nightmare that woke me. It involved past members of popular reality TV shows trying to stop a killer who uses shadows to kidnap his victims. "the shadow killer". I woke up right as Jane from the last season of America's Next Top Model and Deb (the mustached bakery lady who works at the New Seasons near my loft- and who in my dream, resembled Jeff Bridges) were trying to prevent the villain from kidnapping the University Of Michigan Marching band. Strange to recount- but at the time it was oddly terrifying- and i am now awake... and its cold.

It must be below 50 degrees cause the overhead heater has kicked on. Its loud but i don't mind. I turn the pillow from the unused side of my bed (to my right, but it would be the left side if standing at the foot) sideways to impersonate someone who is warm and safe. The pillow is cold too. Still comfortable but in no way a replacement. My mind wanders to the random dream, the cold, the fact that my mouth is dry but that i wont go downstairs to get a glass of water, my pillow companion doesn't seem to want to wake up and get me on either. My thoughts are the disjointed thoughts between sleep and wake: a giant floating martini olive, Kathy Bates, the sensation of being really itchy, even though i am not... before regaining focus and settling into thoughts of another ended "what if?" surprisingly similar to the last two- my heart tries to convince me that this one is different. Though, each one expressing, after varying lengths and intensities of dating something like: "you're amazing, driven, rare and refreshing and someone i can see myself with, but i cant be with you." I have to ask how many times can a guy hear this without questioning if its just a line of bullshit? How do i not become calloused and closed off to even the idea of being open to another?

When recently describing all this to my friend Jessica- she informed me that i, simply, "keep getting dumped for being too damn sexy and i should take comfort in that" Jessica is sweet, but i know she is trying to make me feel better. That's what some friends do. They lie so our hurt doesn't overwhelm us and for the record I in no way think i am "sexy", quite the contrary, somewhat goofy and boyishly charming at best. Jessica wants to see me happy- She thinks i don't have enough 'fun' - in this case, 'fun' translates to 'sex'. She feels i am too "relationship focused". i wonder if she is right? I wont lie that thoughts to act on the physical, the animal, have definitely surfaced... but empty sex to validate human closeness isn't for me and i shove those thoughts aside with most of my sadness and self pity. I am becoming practiced at handling these types of "breakups" The open ended type.

"Cully- Have hope, see if our paths cross, our journeys align, see if its in the cards, if its in God's plan."

I do-have hope. though a hardened part of me tries to convince me not to, but I do. Its just no longer of the all consuming sort. Its a functioning hope. A grown up hope. Life goes on. Day to day tasks get done. I miss the connection, but only allow myself to dwell for small increments of time. Looking for clues, looking for hints, the music is hard. Subversive but sweet, I think of songs we shared, hell, songs we even mentioned briefly, get played at great lengths. Days are filled with routine, tasks, work. My mind drifts at first ever six minutes- but after almost a full week is free of distraction for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. Nights are harder. Something about the darkness in the afternoon. Doesn't seem right to work, so Ive taken to making dinner around 430pm, watching a movie and i am in bed reading by 830pm at the latest, asleep by 10. Frequently I have the urge to read insightful passages aloud. So I do. The pillow by my side is indifferent to my sharing. I dont hold that against it. I am lucky to feel the comfort it offers. Its doing its job and i shouldn't expect more from it. We get in trouble when we 'expect'.

Its now past four in the morning- I wake up in less than an hour and a half. My mind is calming and I no longer fear the 'Shadow Killer" The cold night is quiet and comfortable. Ill have no problem letting sleep overtake me- Ill welcome it and the thoughts of who my pillow is a poor substitute. Those thoughts are also comfortable. As I drift to sleep, a quote from 'Annie Hall' is turned over and over in my head like a song you cant escape the melody... "Relationships are like sharks. They have to keep moving or they die. And what we have on our hands here is a dead shark." I dont think my shark is dead. Funny - maybe I am not as good at the open ended breakup as I thought.

Hope and sharks are very much alive.

my head and my heart...

...and as we say goodbye this song plays. and it plays again... and then again... And i am lost in my mind. And my head and my heart are disconnecting out of self preservation. And its ironic that the song is by a band of that very name, The Head. And the Heart... and we have known each other a short time and one might say, a month is not enough time to build a significant connection and 'one' might be right, and my head agrees with 'one.'.. but my heart does not. My heart wonders "is 'goodbye' really goodbye?" My heart wonders "what could have been done differently?" My heart is not consulting my head on these questions to which my head has logical answers. And my head knows that I have felt something similar before.. and my head knows that i am always ok... and my head knows that we are all on a journey and that God brings people into our lives to walk with us for an undetermined amount of time.. sometimes at long lengths, sometimes a mere moment in the vastness of time, of life... and that these people, these fellow journeymen... touch us... and this is life. and this is love. and this is God. and this is real. and I am lost in my mind. And i am not worried about the uncertainty of connections that appear to be over... and my head is ok, and my heart is stronger for being open... and my heart is stronger for feeling. and my heart is stronger for hurting and letting go...

Put your dreams away for now, I won’t see you for some time
I am lost in my mind, I get lost in my mind

Momma once told me, You’re already home where you feel love
I am lost in my mind, I get lost in my mind

Oh my brother, Your wisdom is all that I need
Oh my brother, Don’t you worry ‘bout me
Don’t you worry Don’t you worry
Don’t worry about me

How’s that bricklayin’ coming
How’s your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled

Won’t you tell me my brother
Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward

How’s that bricklayin’ coming
How’s your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled

Won’t you tell me my brother
Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward

Lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Oh I get Lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost, I get lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Yes I get lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost, I get lost
Oh I get lost
Oh I get

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUu0zsLIA9Q

DM. Just. LOVE.

Williamson's Words... and then some of my own.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-mw

Lately its clear that I've felt more inspired by the words of others than my own. Words of people with more education and practice in putting pen to paper and letting their thoughts spill out. Words and quotes that come to me in unexpected ways that when grouped together in a particular fashion always shines new light into the simple text. I love quotes, I love their simplicity and the hope they can bring or the truth or the perspective... the wall behind my desk is a chalk board with schedules and the business' monthly budget and expenses, but it also has a list of places in the world i want to travel to and directly above my computer screen is a five foot section of the wall filled with quotes that i feel are important words for me to remember, for me to not lose site of when the work day gets tricky or business and life arent particularly going the way i had hoped. Some are from great literary minds, some are from the bible (jeremiah 29:11 and the last half of proverbs 31:25), one is from a popular HBO show, one is a song lyric and one is from well, me.

The Quote above came to me this morning from an incredible friend. A friend i couldn't even begin to describe.... but ill try. There are people in this life that we seek out. People i think we feel will add to our existence, people we feel would in a way, complete our circle, balance our inadequacies and bring something more to our world... and then their are those unexpected friends who just happen. This person just happened... and i honestly cant remember how or when or even why we became friends. we just did.. and she gives everything above and more, without expectation... and its one of those completely unexpected gifts that God gives and it makes me wonder if He thought, these two people need each other and they dont even know it.

And i do need her as much as one person can 'need' another, but more over, i value her. My life is better because of her. I value that we can make each other laugh with a humor i am fairly certain most would raise an eyebrow at, and I value that during a busy day, if the face of my phone lights up with her name I will always take her call.. I value we can talk about anything; the messy stuff and the sad stuff and the scary stuff and the funny stuff, I value the support we give each other in work and in life- support each other through new relationships, confusing admirers, and breakups involving video arcades and broken beds and 'I love new york'. I value that we both have the same fascinated appreciation for the unique individuals you get to see when riding public transportation, and i value that even though we are miles and miles apart our lives and our love have woven together into an unbreakable bond... a bond with no questions asked. And with every interaction, every phone call, or lunch date or weekend trip... it becomes increasingly clear that family is what you make it, and she is a big part of mine.

Dostoevsky's Words

"Nor is there any embarrassment in the fact that we're ridiculous, isn't it true? For it's actually so, we are ridiculous, light-minded, with bad habits, we're bored, we don't know how to look, how to understand, we're all like that, all, you, and I, and they! You know, in my opinion it's sometimes even good to be ridiculous, if not better: we can the sooner forgive each other, the sooner humble ourselves; we can't understand everything at once, we cant start right out with perfection! To achieve perfection, one must first begin by not understanding many things! And if we understand too quickly, we may not understand well. "
-fd

Hemingways Words

"a man at home dreams of adventure, a man on adventure dreams of home..."
-eh

Tolstoys Words

"everything i know - I know only because i have loved"

-lt

when we say goodbye...

.. on April 30^th, 2006 I moved out of my loft at 1011 N. Killingsworth street. Closed the door on a chapter of my life, closed the door on the on ten foot tall windows letting in light from the east and the south, closed the door on the weathered hardwoods that if not careful would leave a nasty splinter the size of a small tree branch embedded in your foot, closed the door to the loud overhead heater, the art deco loft railing I always thought looked like seven peacocks defending small piles of un-hatched eggs, the 15 foot tall ceilings, closed the door on a place I never thought I would step foot in again. A sad realization - that signified a loss of something I loved- something that was my home. It’s now September of 2010, over four years later I am writing this in my bed in the loft with the peacock railing, high above the weathered hardwoods with the streetlamps on N. Killingsworth shining through the oversized windows. I am writing this from my home.

When we say “goodbye” to something, is it ever really “goodbye”? More and more I'm realizing that uncertainty is one of life’s greatest gifts! So often we have to ‘let go’ of things- desires- people- possessions- hopes- dreams- friends- but who's to say that letting go now, means letting go forever? Who's to say that just because something isn’t working in this present moment, in the current situation that it won’t work later... down the line...when things, life, situations, change? So to close ourselves off to uncertainty, is sort of like robbing ourselves of hope- just because we say goodbye now, doesn’t mean it might not one day be a part of our lives again, usually in a different and typically a much better capacity.

So though the walls of my home are similar, the beams and the bones, and the splintering hardwoods and the rippled panes of glass in the windows …the place is very different. The situation is very different. I am very different.

I am also realizing that I am mostly a contradiction (and that is ok) I could write that it is typically hard for me to let things go. That at times I can feel the fingers of my thoughts grasping so tightly to things that they leave bruises… but… that wouldn’t always be the truth… Sometimes, I can let go so quickly it makes me question if I ever really cared at all…. And at this point, I am SO very aware that this statement of contradiction has very little to do, if anything, with my loft or the fact that “goodbye isn’t always goodbye”

… or does it. Isnt it about fear?

Fear. The times, the memories, the people, the things that were easy to let go of – I wasn’t afraid of ‘losing’ or was aware that most things are never ours to lose to begin with... the things that I hold onto or have held onto seem to be the things I am afraid to live my life without. Things I am afraid to change. Things I fear I may never find again… fear.

What is it about the simple need to possess a tiny square of this planet or the heart of another person, or a lifestyle.. that pulls our emotions every which way, allowing us to let go of practical thought and simple balance?

Balance.

THIS is what I long for. Balance in life, In work, In love, Not possession. Balance. Life is not black and white - It never has been and I doubt it ever will be … so balance is what we are left with. Openness to the uncertainties, To the letting go, To the grey areas and even being open to the fear that goodbye may be forever or goodbye may be temporary… and though at times it may be sad, It can be balanced with the excitement that through loss and letting go, there can be the birth of a fresh chapter… a new beginning.. Possibly one we never even imagined wanting. Which means, that the trite saying “when one door closes a window opens” is for the most part true… though, in my case the windows that have been opened just happen to be ten feet tall.

Drops like Stars-

We plot, we plan, we assume things are going to go
A certain way and then they don’t and we find ourselves

In a new place, a place we haven’t been before, a place
We never would have imagined on our own,

And so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even
Tragic and yet it opened us up and freed us to see
Things in a whole new way

Suffering does that—

It hurts,
But it also creates.

How many of the most significant moments in your
Life came not because it all went right, but because
It all fell apart?

It’s strange how there can be art in the agony…

ROB BELL.

limits...

Earlier this week I had drinks with an old friend... a friend I’ve known since high school. A friend I’ve experienced a lot with over the last fifteen years... and as with most relationships, we have drifted in and out of each others lives... always aware that though we have made many different choices we will always care about each other. Over $4 beers at an Irish pub on first avenue in Portland called Paddy’s she mentioned that she would love to see the world... experience other cultures. I encouraged her to start planning a trip somewhere she has always wanted to go, somewhere that would be a challenge to her, a place where she could step outside her comfort zone, grow in new experiences and gain new perspectives.

Instead of inspiring her- my encouragement seemed to simply piss her off. She poured out a number of what I took to be excuses of just how unrealistic a trip like this would be. She: "couldn’t afford it", "couldn’t take the time off of work", "couldn’t leave her son", "couldn’t this, couldn’t that" I explained that a trip like this "couldn’t" happen if she kept telling herself that it can’t. I explained, quite rationally I thought, that she was limiting herself with excuses and that dreams CAN become reality with the right attitude... again instead of inspiring her, I managed to frustrate her further, not liking what I had to say at all, nor did I like her point of view... we spent the rest of our time sipping our beers in an awkward and frustrated silence.

The evening made me think:

Why do we limit ourselves?

Why do we put boundaries on our dreams? Furthermore, why call them "dreams" at all? Why not call them Goals? Why not be open to the infinite amount of possibilities out there for us to experience? We put limits and rules and laws on just about everything in our lives; Travel, Adventure, Happiness, Consumption, Love, Risk, Relationship...

Why do we so frequently tell ourselves "NO.”?

The more I live, the more I am finding that there is a certain amount of risk involved in living. Making the choice to place yourself outside all comfort zones takes a courage that many are too complacent to feel. Is it safe to say that in limiting the risks we take we are actually just letting fear take control and live life for us?

Whether it’s traveling to new exotic locations, quitting the security of a job that we hate, opening ourselves up to another person... we seem to want to regulate everything in we do. We are not willing to be open to all the opportunities life provides and truly just BE. We need to calculate the outcome, or the return on the investment, or the longevity of the relationship, or the money in our bank accounts... we let that fear hold us back, we worry that if we let it go, others might say; "well, that wasn’t responsible" or "they don’t seem right together". Perhaps the one thing in this life we DO need to limit is the judgment we share at every opportunity and the fear that stems from it.

With that said, I am completely aware that my writing is a hopeful commentary on my thoughts and opinions and feelings. And in this writing I am also aware that I am limiting my voice- what I truly desire to admit or say- my true, raw and uncensored self, the unlimited truth. The thing is, I really DON’T know anything. I’m just trying to live and figure shit out as I go. I often feel like I am doing it all wrong, like I am too lazy, too opinionated, too expectant, simply not good enough. I am pretty sure we all feel this way. I limit even admitting when I am mad, always trying to put a positive spin on all situations. See the beauty in everything and in everyone… At times, its exhausting. I long for adventure but most of the time I am so comfortable stuck in routines that I too am scared to open myself up to the risk involved in putting myself in those situations. My list of limitations goes on and on and on and on… and its long and it makes me very decidedly human.

But I am aware of my list of fears. I am constantly reminded to take new risks, to step outside my routines, and I am lucky enough to be provided with the support and inspiration to do just that. This year alone, I witnessed several people in my life break free of their fear and embrace their “dreams”- shed limitations and embrace risk. From simply spending a couple months in Costa Rica, to quitting a job of five plus years because it wasn’t truly the right fit, to walking across the country to really connect with self and community- these daring friends continue to inspire me to not lose sight of my dreams, my goals, my evolution and what it feels like to really live life. So- with their inspired stories in my back pocket, and my courage worn on my sleeve, though at times reluctantly, I am working to limit my fear, as life is far too short to limit living. As for my reluctant friend, well, I can only hope that they way I choose to live my life inspires her to shed her fears and take some risks of her own. Until then, I'll try my best to not piss her off and if I do, at the very least pick up the tab.

DOMINICAN DREAMS

In my brief time in the Dominican Republic I was able to witness so many aspects of life that are so different than my own. I spent time in the bustling marketplaces of our continents oldest city Santa Domingo, and in a Haitian refugee camp where extreme poverty is evident in the eyes of underfed children, and in the fishing villages of Bayahibe and Boca De Yuma, the latter which has been virtually untouched by the boom of the countries tourism.

The common factor I witnessed as i traveled the south eastern part of their world is that there is hope in even the hardest situations. Where if you're a bit down on your luck there is nothing like a game of dominoes or baseball or a string of lottery tickets to lift you up. There is hope in the sadness of a girl with no place to sleep and in there is hope in the choice to leave your country to come and live in a camp just so your children can have access to better schools and be free of an oppressive government. There is hope in the face of a woman who has lived more lives than i may ever have the pleasure.... hope in an honest days work... hope in sprawling fields of sugar cane and blue skies that stretch as wide as they are long.

For just an instant i was able to immerse myself in what it would be like to have this brand of hope. To not need the things we trick ourselves in thinking we 'need' and to find joy in the simplicity of a people happy to just live and make the most of every moment.

Open publication - Free publishing

"Timshel"

Tonight- Music filled my heart. Harmonies and guitars and drums brought me closer to God. The beauty and power resounding from incredible voices cleared my mind and helped me focus and made life blur all at the same moment. Things I thought I wanted drifted away- people I thought I desired to be close to faded . My soul was touched by the inspiration of others- the passion of people doing what they love- following dreams- living in the moment- being true to the gifts they have been given. Life is too short to let slide the things that make us happy- the things that drive us forward and the things that push us toward greatness. Life is too short not to surround ourselves with people we love, people who challenge and motivate us, people who build us up and help us grow, make us laugh... and think... and feel. Life is too short to not CHOOSE to fill our lives with this sort of 'music'.

"And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand"


TIMSHEL- THOU MAYEST

old 'words'

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare
Sonnet 116

"Thats OK"

Tonight I had dinner with a new friend- its funny how connection works- opening ourselves up to another, letting them into our lives, our thoughts, our worlds. Risking that they wont judge us. That they will accept us even though our stories are different. Choosing to take those risks.

In this case, it was an easy conversation that flowed as we talked about everything from professional passions to optimistic outlooks, shared interests and dysfunctional family life.. we compared faiths and life experience and goals and somewhere in the middle of a story he was telling about his housing situation he mentioned, rather off hand, that he and his long time girlfriend were recently in a "pretty serious car accident, and she didnt make it,"....

"She didnt make it,"....

"She didnt make it, and thats ok"

Then he smiled and continued with his story. He smiled because at times that's all we can do... and that smile is a choice. That smile is a celebration of memories, wrapped in the muscles of the mouth turning upward.

I dont think that his matter of fact response in anyway negates his love or feelings for her. In fact, I am quite positive that there isnt a day that passes that he doesnt miss her terribly. But he understands that this pain, this loss, is making him the man he will become. He is aware of the growth that can happen when we let go and dont let our heads fight with our hearts against the hard parts of life.

Bad days happen. Horrible things happen. People die. The world is rocked daily by death... greed... pain... hate... heartache... fear... but, as in everything, there is a balance that can be found if we choose to look for it, choose to search, choose perspective, choose to just let go- knowing that the course of this life has so much meaning. Choose to go on living through the times that simply put, suck. Choose to live each day grateful for the lives we have, the people we call our friends and family, the love we are able to give and at times receive.

..Choose to not only live, but live INSPIRED.

"She didnt make it, and thats ok"

I very much like my new friend.

Irish Blessing...

look a little further..

Why do we let our inner cynic hold back our inspiration? Tonight i did something i have enjoyed since i was a kid... i watched the Academy Awards. One might be quick to judge or think; "how does that matter? How is watching wealthy, elite, privileged celebrities receive accolades in addition to their already inflated paychecks, lifestyles and egos relevant to the currant issues of society?" ... in a sense, "how is a shiny golden statue being handed to a shiny golden actress going to change the world?"

....

Well?
...

Can it?

....

The way i see it, most people have never allowed their guard to be lowered to truly feel the power someone carries when inspired to make a difference through art... expression... story telling...

in addition to the beauty of tradition and ceremony - something sadly lost on most people these days- there is a platform to showcase people doing what they love to do. A platform to bridge the vast gaps that exist between our everyday lives and the stories and experiences of others we are detached from in this world.

Tonight i watched people be honored and awarded for painting pictures of love, hope, fear history, abuse, heartbreak, rebirth, conservation, acceptance, passion... war...

While most are focusing their attention on judging what celebrities are wearing they are missing the simple honesty to that resounds at the Academy Awards. A convention that resonates with the warmth of a community getting together to commend each others achievements, to celebrate inspiration and the risk that it takes to create, to dream, to know what it feels like to walk in anothers shoes, to connect to a character who's life is vastly different than your own, to be moved by new stories, new characters, to relate, to learn to be granted a glimpse of new perspectives, to FEEL. To feel something for someone you may have never otherwise encountered.

As the credits rolled, i turned my TV off and felt as though i had spent the last four hours with close friends, and not so much famous strangers. I felt their dreams, their hopes, their need and desire to create something relevant to our world and to their own artistic expression.

I felt my own need to dream, and create, and inspire, and be relevant... we all have stories to tell and with the help of a theater full of strangers I'm more compelled than ever to tell the world mine.

overlooking 'Action'

I am reading a book currently that involves the idea of bringing Heaven to Earth. Its making me realize that so many "Christians" seem to simply be waiting for their earthly lives to end, but, as it so often seems, in the waiting, so much is being overlooked. We forget that its NOT all about the end of this life- its not about dying- its not about a soul or spirit leaving our body and floating through the clouds with a golden harp and a flowing white nightgown.... its not about a heaven in the clouds, or st. peters list, or giant golden gates and an eternal life without pain, or hate or poverty, or loneliness, or whatever plagues a person in their earthly existence.

its really more about;

REBIRTH.
RESURRECTION.
RENEWAL.

One might even say... the original form of RECYCLING: We are the used and the broken and the damaged and the empty and the discarded, and through personal faith and belief and love and experiences we are rebuilt in a more perfect form. 

That is what should be driving us forward - to live our lives with this 'new life' always as the goal... the plan...the not so final outcome... we should constantly strive to emulate this unattainable being we may one day be blessed to become- and while we are shrouded in our own imperfections we should do everything in our power to help bring this positive energy to our current existence.

Should. Could. Choose. Become. Empower. Implement. Create...

Words. We say them aloud. We preach them to others. We write them in journals or in our blogs... however, without action, without follow through, they are quite simply empty romantic notions.

Everyday people exist to serve others. People, who give freely of their time and their energy and their love to make the lives of others better, to make the world of others better. To bring a little bit of "heaven" to earth.. no matter what their religion, they act. They give. They Love. They are living, striving, reaching toward that more perfect form. A more perfect world. They may just be one person, or a handful of friends, or a small organization, they may seem insignificant in the larger picture, it may seem like their contributions wont make a bit of difference in this great mess we have made, but they give anyway. They contribute. Time, money, energy, love, perspective.

These people bring "heaven" to a small piece of this life.. to a fragment of our existence. Words are not simply words - they are actions. Actions that lead to steps... and steps that become a journey... A journey that continuously opens upon itself with new words, new chapters, new actions, new beginnings, and new people willing to contribute to the beauty of an empire that is imperfect yet built on love. Because in the end... heaven is coming here.

Choose Life...

This morning I am sitting at my desk and drinking coffee and listening to Bob Dylan sing and strum while I write out goals for the day, the week, the month, the year, life....

....and I realize that in a year where I gave candy to Haitian children, learned to fly on a trapeze 40 ft in the air, reconnected with a friend I thought I had lost forever, drank an entire bottle of whiskey straight and didnt die and learned to love and be inspired by my own pain, that it is never too late for anything and EVERYTHING is possible as long as we make the choice to take the risk and LIVE!

"Half-cracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull, I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then
I'm younger than that now."
-Dylan

FAITH & FIREWORKS | and all that falls between

"If you ask me, we make too much of worldly love. I like it as a metaphor, but making too much of love is like trying not to be where tree falls in the forest so you can hear it, its like chasing a leprechaun..."

I read this in a book recently by one of my favorite authors. He is talking about the end of a recent relationship... the flood of thoughts when you begin to realize that things just aren't right- aren't going to work- no matter how much effort you put in- no matter how hard you try- he states that;

"in the end, my girlfriend and I put too much pressure on each other because we both thought the other person was going to be our savior. We thought the other person was Jesus."

Validation: We seek self validation in our relationships. We pressure those we love and care about most to fill us up- to complete us- to be the sun to shine in the shadows of our souls. WHO could fulfill such an immense pressure? Most relationships will crack under this sort of strain.

It's a difficult balance- where passion meets faith. Out of six billion people we would assume its easy to meet someone who inspires us to grow in our relationship with God and Jesus, but someone who also sends sparks through our very existence? Where do we even begin looking for such a person? Does someone like this exist, and if they do, will they only come around once in a lifetime?

That's exactly what I'm looking for! To feel the spark of passion- of excitement- it takes the ability and openness to take a risk.

The risk of opening myself up to someone new.. the risk of letting that person know the parts of me I keep hidden... the excitement.. the thrill.. the hope.. the spark... the fireworks!!!

The moments spent together that when added up equal a relationship: Praying together, laughing together, brushing away an eyelash from a cheek, reading out loud to each other till four in the morning, giving someone else a little of your load when life gets hard, challenging each other when stubbornness builds walls around your 'opinions'.

Growing. Through pain- loss- happiness- wisdom- honesty- failures- creativity- understanding- triumphs- communication- attraction- inspiration!

Finding God together: Whether from within the walls of a church, or the way light wraps itself through barren trees on a a clear winters day. Finding God by being there for each other through the frustration of a bad day, or through the loss of a parent, a friend, a job, a goldfish, a houseplant... Finding God in a smile, in a laugh, in a song lyric, in a book, in a guitar chord, in the beauty of one wrinkled hand locked in loving embrace with another.. Finding God in the beauty of life.. in the strength of sharing that life with another person, and in the confidence it takes to do so. 

Finding God in faith and in fireworks and in all that falls between.

I dont think this is a choice about one or the other. I dont think that this has to be a choice to only embrace Gods love or only seek validation in the worldly love of another human. I do get it, what the author is saying. I understand the pressures we place on each other- the pressures we put on love and I'm as guilty as everyone. For me, however, its about finding a balance, a complimenting force- one thing, building up the other - one love to strengthen another. Nothing less. Finding God in another person. And finding love in God. There is true validation.

the family story...

This morning I went to church for the first time in two years... or, at least I think it’s been two years, I can’t exactly remember. Anyway, I’m always apprehensive about opening myself up like this -praying and singing in public- takes a confidence in myself and moreover a confidence in my faith. And so, with most things that force us outside our comfort zone, I was rewarded. I left with new thoughts, a new point of view, a weight lifted and a heart lightened.

Today- a young woman stepped outside of her comfort zone and delivered her testimony to a congregation of strangers. A testimony involving a father sexually abusing a seven-year-old girl. A testimony involving a mother’s disregard for a daughter’s mental and physical health by withholding much needed love, affection and understanding. A testimony involving a broken child who blamed herself. A testimony where a fathers sickness and lust forced actions that sent him to prison, breaking apart a family and taking from his children a vital piece of childhood. This young woman rose above all of the pain in her life and with God's love was able to forgive her fathers actions, her mothers inaction, and eventually herself. This choice released the guilt that masqueraded as clarity, seemingly holding her world together. This young woman may not have been given the choice of who her family is, but she was given the choice to rise above hate, pain, abuse, remorse, unfairness, and embrace the people in her life with a Christ-like love.

A love without agenda or motives.

She embraced forgiveness and in doing so, she embraced love.

We all have a family. We all have a story. It may or may not involve abuse, or neglect, or pressure to succeed or certain shoes to fill…. Whatever the plot, our stories are all different. Our families are all different. The common ground is that we are also given the choice to look past the flaws and love without needing that identical love returned.

As the holidays approach, and families make plans to gather together, whether out of obligation or expectation or out of love and desire for unity, and gifts will be exchanged, sometimes heartfelt, sometimes void of meaning or worth, I pray that I can let go of the pain I hold when it comes to my own family. My own story is different than that young woman’s – However, it is not, and never will be perfect…

I pray that I am able to give love as my gift to my family. My love. My time. My forgiveness. I pray that I choose to embrace the characters God has penned into my story, because we haven’t yet reached the end and there are many more pages and many more chapters left to write.

"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future."

-Gail Lumet Buckley

lightning could strike

One of my favorite speeches from one of my favorite movies. Delivered by Anthony Hopkins to Clair Forlani, playing his daughter. Every time I hear it, I am reminded never to settle for anything less than I truly deserve...To throw practicality, rationalization and the realistic thoughts that hold us back , to the wind. Because the greatest rewards come when we take chances on that which is a risky! When we are bold. When we try, when we stay open....

"I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike."

Anthony Hopkins "Meet Joe Black"

Walk in the good way.

I have a friend who is taking a risk and walking across our country in hopes of connecting with as many souls he can, but also I am sure in a sense, to find himself somewhere in the earth that is stretched between two oceans.

Reading in my bible this morning I came across this passage and was instantly reminded of this amazing guy. I pray for him everyday and can confidently say that out of everyone I know, he is the most capable of making huge changes in the way the world loves. His faith in God and in people continue to drive me to be a better man myself.

Jonathon Stalls is an incredible force of inspiration that I have been lucky enough to know if only for a brief minute of time. Im looking forward to hearing about the roads he will travel, the lives he will change, the blisters he will get, the hope he will spread...

"stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for you soul"
Jeremiah 6:16

To follow Jon's 'walk' check out the various websites [linked below] that detail what he is doing.
If you can, give a little to help him on his way but more importantly... be open to the risk that is inspiration... you never know where it might lead you to walk.




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