A Prayer.

"Father, Don't let me get so caught up in my own sadness, or comfort, my own safety, or luxury, or worry that I lose a true sense of mission and calling. That the world is in so much trouble and I am capable of helping do something about it. God give me something bigger than myself that I can be a part of. What in me needs to die so I can live raised in Christ to a new life? -Amen."

a new journal.. a new entry... a new love

I don’t want to fill another journal with entries all about sadness, or coping with a fresh breakup. A breakup most would think shouldn't be effecting me the way it is. A relationship that was one-sided to say the least, a relationship where I was loved better, and more fully than I’ve ever been. But a relationship that I invested very little of myself back into. One-sided, walled off, jaded with sour and painful thoughts of the past, i kept this relationship at a safe distance. No. I don’t want to fill a new journal with those types of entries. Journals should be about growth and evolution, and honesty, and hope.... and so my first entry isn't about a breakup (in its entirety).

Its about how I fell completely -irrevocably and quite madly, in love!

Love- and all the things that accompany it: passion, excitement, joy, anxiousness, insecurity, is ... complicated and incredible and mostly inconvenient. It doesn't always surface at the time its "supposed" to. Which is incidentally what I learned today when I woke up with a warm, excited feeling growing somewhere in my mid section and expanding outward with a tremendous speed. I’ve written in the past, that there are no "supposed to's" in life, I still believe this.. I still believe God only gives us what we need, what he knows we can handle, what he knows will help us grow and be better men and women. Right now God decided He needed me to fall in love. To recognize these distinct emotions. To be enveloped by them... To fight so they do not fully consume me. Conquer me.

In my head, I wonder, "why couldn’t I have felt this two weeks ago, a month ago, five months ago??" but, I have to assume, I just wasn’t meant to, I simply wasn’t meant to fall in love until today. Until this morning, September 15th, 2011, on location for work in Yachats, Oregon, climbing on a rock by the Pacific Ocean to get a better view of a starfish in a tide pool.

This feeling of love was accompanied by some tears of joy, but also, all the thoughts that are normally accompanied with this realization:

"I want to tell you!"
"What will our lives together look like?"
"Where will we live?"

"Where will we travel?"
"Will my dog like your horrible cats?"
"Will your horrible cats torment my dog?"
"Perhaps we can take a vacation back here one day, so I can share just the exact spot I fell for you!"

But it isn't that simple. It never is, right?

I don’t fall easy. in fact, I wasn't sure I could ever truly fall again. now, five years after I’ve felt anything remotely similar, I welcome the emotions that clog my thoughts, and hinder almost all forms of productivity. I welcome them, even though I am completely unable to express them to the one person who broke through my hard shell and helped me to understand how to feel again. more-so, to actually feel again.

Having dated a brilliant writer for the better part of a year, and having not sat with a journal in my hand for some time- I find my own writing to be clumsy. Rambling musings about what I've learned and what I've lost and my feelings (which I am very aware are not unique, that I am not the first person to have loved and lost, and that I will not be the last.) But- this is honest. This is my reality- and though I am not the best writer or really even a good one, I feel its important to keep writing. to keep expressing what’s inside, to not let it harden again in my heart and form the bricks of the emotional walls Ive so easily constructed in the past. And so with that, I write, that I am happy. I am happy for the time I was blessed with someone in my life and the memories we created. Though I miss my brilliant, beautiful, smart, sweet, sexy writer, I know I had my chance. I know I didn't take it, I know its not the last opportunity for me, but it might be for us. I am happy - but I will always regret not embracing this unique soul while I had the chance to. A hard reality to face. Like winter coming, when summer never really started.


So, now, honesty:


I was proud and stupid. I guarded my heart when I didn't need to. I made easy, lazy choices. Now- I torture myself daily replaying what I could have done better, what I could have said so much better. I take a pill to go to sleep. I take a pill because if I don't, I'll lay awake for hours pretending we are laying together, close, intimate. Pretending my pillow is an acceptable substitute. I don’t eat enough, or at times, I don't eat at all. The most gourmet meal seems to turn to sand in my mouth, which seems to have stopped its production of saliva. I often contemplate giving up meat. I don't think I will, but the thought is there. I don’t want to be alone. I call anyone I can to tell them how foolish I’ve been. How I should have tried harder. How one of the best things that has happened to me is gone. To tell them how much I miss my writer. To tell them how much I miss my best friend. I dwell. I imagine what reconciliation would be like. Resolution. I force those thoughts from my mind. My writer has moved on. My writer is happy. My writer is not "Mine" anymore, but has opened up to someone else.

Love, is funny. As sad as I am, there is a happiness that this person, this incredible person, who is no longer in my life, is out there, just a little bit east and a little bit south, everyday, living, and loving, and connecting, and that is enough. Enough to get me through this. That is enough to help me focus on what’s next. On an undetermined future. On moving forward.

I pray. All the time. I pray and thank God for love. That I was loved the way I was. The way I am. That cannot die. Its the truth of our time together. The writer loved me. The writer changed me. I thank God for helping me fall desperately in love even though it’s so very long overdue. I’m not angry about it. It just is. And tonight I pray to God that He will help me put away my love for now. Not kill it. But put it away until there might be an appropriate time to pull it out again. And- if that time never comes, that He helps me evolve my love into something new. Something fair and something good. Something that works for both the loved and the lover. I will pray this often and with silent gratitude that with God, all things are possible.

And though, the most random of things bring bittersweet memories of our time together;

thoughts of sea turtles, woks, a black Subaru that my dog will always stop behind for me to let him in, memories of dive bars where we possibly drank too much Jameson, My couch, my kitchen, my bathroom, my bed, the new sheets (now not so new) I bought to sleep on with you alone, bad pop music, lemon sharks, Ikea, Kathy Bates, fake meat, dirty kittens, poorly tossed Frisbees, a sign on the way to the coast that reads "Wilco", the Thundercats, orchids, hilariously adorable chameleons, SUVs named after Indian Cartoon characters, my sleeping bag, old typewriters, poison oak, the smell of the beach and dingy beach towns, scrabble, post cards, and any mention of the following; the state of Texas, The Big Lebowski or any short story, not to leave out most all of the music in my IPod... I will move forward. I will be ok. I will be better than ok for having built these memories. For having loved again. For feeling love again.

So, this new journal will not be about bitterness. It will not be about the divorce of two souls. It will not be about the end of anything, because resurrection is always possible- So, this new journal will be about hope, about choice, about growth and honesty, and change and compromise, and most importantly it will be about the journey of falling in love.

and so, to the writer... I wish you love and hopefully, Ill be seeing you.

remember perspective

i pray this morning for our own humanity. That we all find peace within ourselves and that we can extend it outwardly to the entire world. Though we may be going through tough times of our own, that we stop, and consider those who lost a loved one 10 years ago today, or even those that have lost someone yesterday, the day before, last week, a month ago... Hopefully- it will bring us perspective, hope and a drive to not just wait for the 'heaven' of the afterlife but work toward bringing heaven to earth, everyday, toward everyone.

Rob's Words

“God in the end doesn’t get what God wants, it’s declared, because some will turn, repent, and believe, and other’s won’t. To explain this perspective, it’s rightly pointed out that love, by it’s very nature, is freedom. For there to be love, there has to be the option, both now and then, to not love. To turn the other way. To reject love extended. To say no. Although God is powerful and mighty, when it comes to the human heart God has to play by the same rules we do. God has to respect our freedom to choose to the very end, even at the risk of the relationship itself. If at any point God overrides, co-opts, or hijacks the human heart, robbing us of our freedom to choose, then God as violated the fundamental essence of what love is.”

-Rob Bell "Love Wins"

a world away

Someone from Iraq has been frequenting my Blog.
I think this is incredible- that my voice can be heard from a world away and has seemingly moved someone to continue to come back almost everyday.

I dont write much anymore. Life has been busy and until recently Ive been relatively content- moving toward goals and dreams, with someone very special by my side. Instead Ive continued to infrequently post things that inspire me. Things that enlighten my life. Things that make me stop and say, "ahhh."

This last week has been rough for me, with family and relationship turmoil, not to mention a larger work load than ever. Ive been struggling to find the perspective I normally possess, Ive been rather emotional and honestly- sort of annoying. But seeing that this person so very very far away- with such a very very different life than mine, is here day after day- reading my words- brings a bit of perspective back.

I dont know who this is, i dont know what your life is like- I dont know if youre an Iraqi, or an American, if your a soldier or civilian, but i know that you have helped me remember how big this world is and how small my struggles are compared to SO MANY other peoples. Thank you for giving me back a small amount of peace, thank you for reading my words, and thank you for inspiring me to go back, re-read my own words and inspire myself through a difficult period in my own life.

God Bless. Cully

Bernies words

"Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light"

-BT

this is your life.

fate?

In an email a friend asked me: "do you believe in fate?"

My response was simply: "that's a pretty deep question."

When I thought about it more in depth I responded with this:
"I believe God has a path for us. That we are right where he wants us to be.. but that we also have the choice in the matter.

we can choose to live and let go of things that hold us back, or we can sit on sidelines and watch our lives, waiting for it to "START" ...

I think God brings people into our lives, or situations into our lives to inspire us to live or make certain choices.. and he doesn't give up on us if we choose other ways... he simply keeps trying, keeps inspiring... so if you want to call that 'fate' then, sure. I believe in that."

Im Convinced

'As a Christian, i am simply trying to orient myself around living a particular kind of way, the kind of way that Jesus taught is possible. And I think that the way of Jesus is the best possible way to live.

this isn't irrational or primitive or blind faith. It is merely being honest that we are all living a "way".

I'm convinced being generous is a better way to live.

Im convinced forgiving people and not carrying around bitterness is a better way to live.

Im convinced having compassion is a better way to live.

Im convinced pursuing peace is a better way to live.

Im convinced listening to the wisdom of others is a better way to live.

Im convinced being honest with people is a better way to live."

Somewhere above Colorado...

... in three days it will have been two years since I put my pencil to this journal and wrote about the hope I had for a new relationship- since then Ive filled the plain white pages with my tiny writing. Ive written about struggle and heart ache, goals, love, passion, desire, Ive written about faith and relationships with family, with friends, with lovers, with God.. Ive quoted writers, and pastors, and poets and musician. Its all in here. The pages are now smudged. Some barely legible. Now, looking back, its comforting to read and recollect the times that were hard. Times when I felt lost. Times I felt so alone. Reading these entries again, I know now that I am "OK" and I always have been. I always will be. Ive grown and God willing I'm still growing. As a person, as a friend, as a partner, as a brother, and a son. Ive changed, Ive searched, Ive pushed for authenticity, for truth.

To live honest and to live good.

To be.

The air in the plane is muggy and for the last half hour its been hard to breath in the thick recycled oxygen. Ill probably catch a cold. I could use some water and I am very aware there are still two hours remaining of my journey. I want to close my eyes and wake up in the cold and rain of a Portland night in April- but I know, the minute we touch down, my life will start to run at full speed once more- and moments of reflection are few and far between. I need reflection. I need the extra time, high in the clouds with nothing but heavy air to distract my thoughts. Earlier tonight I listened to a sermon, Shane Hipps spoke on the book of Ecclesiastes. He preached to be aware of the lives we have instead of constantly searching for something more, something to complete us. The constant struggle of: "if I could just obtain this, then Ill be like that." what a perfect way to fill up the last two pages of this journal. With the knowledge and acceptance of who I am... who I want to become...who Ive been, how Ive grown, and an awareness that I live a complete life- Right here. Right now. I live a complete life. Ive got great friends, and great family. Ive been in love, Ive felt loved in return. I am flying away from the potential of a whole new love... a whole new possibility... Its exciting. Its scary. Its beautiful. Ive experienced so much in my 31 years alive and I'm fairly certain this is all just the beginning of what is to be an outstanding journey.

I don't need to search any further for what will fill my life with meaning- because my life already has it. in the relationships, the passions, the joy, the faith I carry with me everyday. In a phone call from my brother, or sitting on the couch watching bad TV with my best friend, or in the brilliant blue eyes of a misplaced Texan... I'm confident that if this was 'it', if life were to end on this plane right here- right now, it wouldn't have been a waste. none of it. It wouldn't be a sad ending. But a celebration of a person who truly lived! So with that, I'm going to end this final page with a new list of goals- not because I need them to complete my life, but because I recognize that they fill my life with passion - Gods passion - His passion for this world and his passion for us. To live. They fill my life with creativity and hope and beauty and new stories, and new connections. They may be things I never even get around to starting, but - they are here- my thoughts and my hopes for my life at this exact moment in time- and that is REAL and that is AUTHENTIC and that is TRUTH and that is LIVING...

---------GOALS 2011--------

TAKE A ROAD TRIP | TAKE ANOTHER ROAD TRIP | HIKE AND CAMP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE | TAKE GUITAR LESSONS|GET A PUPPY| PAY OFF CREDIT CARDS| START DOING YOGA | READ MORE | WRITE MORE | GO TO ARGENTINA | VOLUNTEER| BRING GODS HEAVEN TO THIS EARTH| FALL IN LOVE AGAIN| TELL MORE STORIES WITH MY CAMERA | PROMOTE MY BUSINESS | GO TO NEW YORK MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR- FEEL THE ENERGY OF THE CITY | EXPERIENCE CULTURES THAT SCARE ME INITIALLY | CULTURES I'M IN AWE OF | CULTURES I CAN IMMERSE MYSELF IN | START A NEW JOURNAL | SEE MORE LIVE BANDS | BUY A NEW CAMERA | BE MORE TOLERANT | COMPROMISE IF IT MATTERS | GET INVOLVED | FIND A CAUSE: MERCY CORPS, THE ONE ORGANIZATION, HABITAT FOR HUMANITY | FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK INTERNATIONALLY | BUILD A NEW WEBSITE | BUY A CAR | DRIVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY | RIDE MORE ROLLER COASTERS | LEARN TO ROCK CLIMB | LIVE EVERY DAY GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN | PRAY MORE BEFORE I EAT | GROW MY HAIR REALLY LONG | CUT MY HAIR ALL OFF AND DONATE IT | BE MORE AWARE, HUMBLE, PASSIONATE, FLEXIBLE | FIND A CHURCH I LIKE | LEARN TO SPEAK ITALIAN | LEARN TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE | WATCH MORE BW MOVIES | LEARN TO SKI | SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY BROTHER, MY SISTER, MY NEPHEWS, MY NIECE | EMBRACE EACH MINUTE IN LIFE | LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS, WITHOUT BOUNDARIES | LIVE IN THE TRUTH OF GODS LOVE FOR THIS WORLD.

Hugo's Words

"to love another person is to see the face of God."
-VH

Newtons Words

Our pleasure and our duty,

Though opposite before;

Since we have seen his beauty,

Are joined to part no more:

It is our highest pleasure,

-JN

Dicken's Words

"Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!"

-CD (great expectations)

Dioum's Words

"In The End
We Will Conserve
Only What We Love
We Will Love
Only What We Understand
We Will Understand
Only What We Are Taught"
-BD

Cumming's words

"dive for dreams or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots and wind is wind) 
trust your heart if the seas catch fire
(and live by love though the stars walk backward) 
honour the past but welcome the future
(and dance your death away at the wedding) 
never mind a world with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls and tomorrow and the earth)..."
-ec

TAKE A CHANCE. RISK. DIVE.

Hope and Sharks...

its 3am. I had a nightmare that woke me. It involved past members of popular reality TV shows trying to stop a killer who uses shadows to kidnap his victims. "the shadow killer". I woke up right as Jane from the last season of America's Next Top Model and Deb (the mustached bakery lady who works at the New Seasons near my loft- and who in my dream, resembled Jeff Bridges) were trying to prevent the villain from kidnapping the University Of Michigan Marching band. Strange to recount- but at the time it was oddly terrifying- and i am now awake... and its cold.

It must be below 50 degrees cause the overhead heater has kicked on. Its loud but i don't mind. I turn the pillow from the unused side of my bed (to my right, but it would be the left side if standing at the foot) sideways to impersonate someone who is warm and safe. The pillow is cold too. Still comfortable but in no way a replacement. My mind wanders to the random dream, the cold, the fact that my mouth is dry but that i wont go downstairs to get a glass of water, my pillow companion doesn't seem to want to wake up and get me on either. My thoughts are the disjointed thoughts between sleep and wake: a giant floating martini olive, Kathy Bates, the sensation of being really itchy, even though i am not... before regaining focus and settling into thoughts of another ended "what if?" surprisingly similar to the last two- my heart tries to convince me that this one is different. Though, each one expressing, after varying lengths and intensities of dating something like: "you're amazing, driven, rare and refreshing and someone i can see myself with, but i cant be with you." I have to ask how many times can a guy hear this without questioning if its just a line of bullshit? How do i not become calloused and closed off to even the idea of being open to another?

When recently describing all this to my friend Jessica- she informed me that i, simply, "keep getting dumped for being too damn sexy and i should take comfort in that" Jessica is sweet, but i know she is trying to make me feel better. That's what some friends do. They lie so our hurt doesn't overwhelm us and for the record I in no way think i am "sexy", quite the contrary, somewhat goofy and boyishly charming at best. Jessica wants to see me happy- She thinks i don't have enough 'fun' - in this case, 'fun' translates to 'sex'. She feels i am too "relationship focused". i wonder if she is right? I wont lie that thoughts to act on the physical, the animal, have definitely surfaced... but empty sex to validate human closeness isn't for me and i shove those thoughts aside with most of my sadness and self pity. I am becoming practiced at handling these types of "breakups" The open ended type.

"Cully- Have hope, see if our paths cross, our journeys align, see if its in the cards, if its in God's plan."

I do-have hope. though a hardened part of me tries to convince me not to, but I do. Its just no longer of the all consuming sort. Its a functioning hope. A grown up hope. Life goes on. Day to day tasks get done. I miss the connection, but only allow myself to dwell for small increments of time. Looking for clues, looking for hints, the music is hard. Subversive but sweet, I think of songs we shared, hell, songs we even mentioned briefly, get played at great lengths. Days are filled with routine, tasks, work. My mind drifts at first ever six minutes- but after almost a full week is free of distraction for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. Nights are harder. Something about the darkness in the afternoon. Doesn't seem right to work, so Ive taken to making dinner around 430pm, watching a movie and i am in bed reading by 830pm at the latest, asleep by 10. Frequently I have the urge to read insightful passages aloud. So I do. The pillow by my side is indifferent to my sharing. I dont hold that against it. I am lucky to feel the comfort it offers. Its doing its job and i shouldn't expect more from it. We get in trouble when we 'expect'.

Its now past four in the morning- I wake up in less than an hour and a half. My mind is calming and I no longer fear the 'Shadow Killer" The cold night is quiet and comfortable. Ill have no problem letting sleep overtake me- Ill welcome it and the thoughts of who my pillow is a poor substitute. Those thoughts are also comfortable. As I drift to sleep, a quote from 'Annie Hall' is turned over and over in my head like a song you cant escape the melody... "Relationships are like sharks. They have to keep moving or they die. And what we have on our hands here is a dead shark." I dont think my shark is dead. Funny - maybe I am not as good at the open ended breakup as I thought.

Hope and sharks are very much alive.

my head and my heart...

...and as we say goodbye this song plays. and it plays again... and then again... And i am lost in my mind. And my head and my heart are disconnecting out of self preservation. And its ironic that the song is by a band of that very name, The Head. And the Heart... and we have known each other a short time and one might say, a month is not enough time to build a significant connection and 'one' might be right, and my head agrees with 'one.'.. but my heart does not. My heart wonders "is 'goodbye' really goodbye?" My heart wonders "what could have been done differently?" My heart is not consulting my head on these questions to which my head has logical answers. And my head knows that I have felt something similar before.. and my head knows that i am always ok... and my head knows that we are all on a journey and that God brings people into our lives to walk with us for an undetermined amount of time.. sometimes at long lengths, sometimes a mere moment in the vastness of time, of life... and that these people, these fellow journeymen... touch us... and this is life. and this is love. and this is God. and this is real. and I am lost in my mind. And i am not worried about the uncertainty of connections that appear to be over... and my head is ok, and my heart is stronger for being open... and my heart is stronger for feeling. and my heart is stronger for hurting and letting go...

Put your dreams away for now, I won’t see you for some time
I am lost in my mind, I get lost in my mind

Momma once told me, You’re already home where you feel love
I am lost in my mind, I get lost in my mind

Oh my brother, Your wisdom is all that I need
Oh my brother, Don’t you worry ‘bout me
Don’t you worry Don’t you worry
Don’t worry about me

How’s that bricklayin’ coming
How’s your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled

Won’t you tell me my brother
Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward

How’s that bricklayin’ coming
How’s your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled

Won’t you tell me my brother
Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward

Lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Oh I get Lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost, I get lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Yes I get lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost, I get lost
Oh I get lost
Oh I get

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUu0zsLIA9Q

DM. Just. LOVE.

Williamson's Words... and then some of my own.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-mw

Lately its clear that I've felt more inspired by the words of others than my own. Words of people with more education and practice in putting pen to paper and letting their thoughts spill out. Words and quotes that come to me in unexpected ways that when grouped together in a particular fashion always shines new light into the simple text. I love quotes, I love their simplicity and the hope they can bring or the truth or the perspective... the wall behind my desk is a chalk board with schedules and the business' monthly budget and expenses, but it also has a list of places in the world i want to travel to and directly above my computer screen is a five foot section of the wall filled with quotes that i feel are important words for me to remember, for me to not lose site of when the work day gets tricky or business and life arent particularly going the way i had hoped. Some are from great literary minds, some are from the bible (jeremiah 29:11 and the last half of proverbs 31:25), one is from a popular HBO show, one is a song lyric and one is from well, me.

The Quote above came to me this morning from an incredible friend. A friend i couldn't even begin to describe.... but ill try. There are people in this life that we seek out. People i think we feel will add to our existence, people we feel would in a way, complete our circle, balance our inadequacies and bring something more to our world... and then their are those unexpected friends who just happen. This person just happened... and i honestly cant remember how or when or even why we became friends. we just did.. and she gives everything above and more, without expectation... and its one of those completely unexpected gifts that God gives and it makes me wonder if He thought, these two people need each other and they dont even know it.

And i do need her as much as one person can 'need' another, but more over, i value her. My life is better because of her. I value that we can make each other laugh with a humor i am fairly certain most would raise an eyebrow at, and I value that during a busy day, if the face of my phone lights up with her name I will always take her call.. I value we can talk about anything; the messy stuff and the sad stuff and the scary stuff and the funny stuff, I value the support we give each other in work and in life- support each other through new relationships, confusing admirers, and breakups involving video arcades and broken beds and 'I love new york'. I value that we both have the same fascinated appreciation for the unique individuals you get to see when riding public transportation, and i value that even though we are miles and miles apart our lives and our love have woven together into an unbreakable bond... a bond with no questions asked. And with every interaction, every phone call, or lunch date or weekend trip... it becomes increasingly clear that family is what you make it, and she is a big part of mine.

Dostoevsky's Words

"Nor is there any embarrassment in the fact that we're ridiculous, isn't it true? For it's actually so, we are ridiculous, light-minded, with bad habits, we're bored, we don't know how to look, how to understand, we're all like that, all, you, and I, and they! You know, in my opinion it's sometimes even good to be ridiculous, if not better: we can the sooner forgive each other, the sooner humble ourselves; we can't understand everything at once, we cant start right out with perfection! To achieve perfection, one must first begin by not understanding many things! And if we understand too quickly, we may not understand well. "
-fd

Hemingways Words

"a man at home dreams of adventure, a man on adventure dreams of home..."
-eh

Tolstoys Words

"everything i know - I know only because i have loved"

-lt

when we say goodbye...

.. on April 30^th, 2006 I moved out of my loft at 1011 N. Killingsworth street. Closed the door on a chapter of my life, closed the door on the on ten foot tall windows letting in light from the east and the south, closed the door on the weathered hardwoods that if not careful would leave a nasty splinter the size of a small tree branch embedded in your foot, closed the door to the loud overhead heater, the art deco loft railing I always thought looked like seven peacocks defending small piles of un-hatched eggs, the 15 foot tall ceilings, closed the door on a place I never thought I would step foot in again. A sad realization - that signified a loss of something I loved- something that was my home. It’s now September of 2010, over four years later I am writing this in my bed in the loft with the peacock railing, high above the weathered hardwoods with the streetlamps on N. Killingsworth shining through the oversized windows. I am writing this from my home.

When we say “goodbye” to something, is it ever really “goodbye”? More and more I'm realizing that uncertainty is one of life’s greatest gifts! So often we have to ‘let go’ of things- desires- people- possessions- hopes- dreams- friends- but who's to say that letting go now, means letting go forever? Who's to say that just because something isn’t working in this present moment, in the current situation that it won’t work later... down the line...when things, life, situations, change? So to close ourselves off to uncertainty, is sort of like robbing ourselves of hope- just because we say goodbye now, doesn’t mean it might not one day be a part of our lives again, usually in a different and typically a much better capacity.

So though the walls of my home are similar, the beams and the bones, and the splintering hardwoods and the rippled panes of glass in the windows …the place is very different. The situation is very different. I am very different.

I am also realizing that I am mostly a contradiction (and that is ok) I could write that it is typically hard for me to let things go. That at times I can feel the fingers of my thoughts grasping so tightly to things that they leave bruises… but… that wouldn’t always be the truth… Sometimes, I can let go so quickly it makes me question if I ever really cared at all…. And at this point, I am SO very aware that this statement of contradiction has very little to do, if anything, with my loft or the fact that “goodbye isn’t always goodbye”

… or does it. Isnt it about fear?

Fear. The times, the memories, the people, the things that were easy to let go of – I wasn’t afraid of ‘losing’ or was aware that most things are never ours to lose to begin with... the things that I hold onto or have held onto seem to be the things I am afraid to live my life without. Things I am afraid to change. Things I fear I may never find again… fear.

What is it about the simple need to possess a tiny square of this planet or the heart of another person, or a lifestyle.. that pulls our emotions every which way, allowing us to let go of practical thought and simple balance?

Balance.

THIS is what I long for. Balance in life, In work, In love, Not possession. Balance. Life is not black and white - It never has been and I doubt it ever will be … so balance is what we are left with. Openness to the uncertainties, To the letting go, To the grey areas and even being open to the fear that goodbye may be forever or goodbye may be temporary… and though at times it may be sad, It can be balanced with the excitement that through loss and letting go, there can be the birth of a fresh chapter… a new beginning.. Possibly one we never even imagined wanting. Which means, that the trite saying “when one door closes a window opens” is for the most part true… though, in my case the windows that have been opened just happen to be ten feet tall.

Drops like Stars-

We plot, we plan, we assume things are going to go
A certain way and then they don’t and we find ourselves

In a new place, a place we haven’t been before, a place
We never would have imagined on our own,

And so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even
Tragic and yet it opened us up and freed us to see
Things in a whole new way

Suffering does that—

It hurts,
But it also creates.

How many of the most significant moments in your
Life came not because it all went right, but because
It all fell apart?

It’s strange how there can be art in the agony…

ROB BELL.

limits...

Earlier this week I had drinks with an old friend... a friend I’ve known since high school. A friend I’ve experienced a lot with over the last fifteen years... and as with most relationships, we have drifted in and out of each others lives... always aware that though we have made many different choices we will always care about each other. Over $4 beers at an Irish pub on first avenue in Portland called Paddy’s she mentioned that she would love to see the world... experience other cultures. I encouraged her to start planning a trip somewhere she has always wanted to go, somewhere that would be a challenge to her, a place where she could step outside her comfort zone, grow in new experiences and gain new perspectives.

Instead of inspiring her- my encouragement seemed to simply piss her off. She poured out a number of what I took to be excuses of just how unrealistic a trip like this would be. She: "couldn’t afford it", "couldn’t take the time off of work", "couldn’t leave her son", "couldn’t this, couldn’t that" I explained that a trip like this "couldn’t" happen if she kept telling herself that it can’t. I explained, quite rationally I thought, that she was limiting herself with excuses and that dreams CAN become reality with the right attitude... again instead of inspiring her, I managed to frustrate her further, not liking what I had to say at all, nor did I like her point of view... we spent the rest of our time sipping our beers in an awkward and frustrated silence.

The evening made me think:

Why do we limit ourselves?

Why do we put boundaries on our dreams? Furthermore, why call them "dreams" at all? Why not call them Goals? Why not be open to the infinite amount of possibilities out there for us to experience? We put limits and rules and laws on just about everything in our lives; Travel, Adventure, Happiness, Consumption, Love, Risk, Relationship...

Why do we so frequently tell ourselves "NO.”?

The more I live, the more I am finding that there is a certain amount of risk involved in living. Making the choice to place yourself outside all comfort zones takes a courage that many are too complacent to feel. Is it safe to say that in limiting the risks we take we are actually just letting fear take control and live life for us?

Whether it’s traveling to new exotic locations, quitting the security of a job that we hate, opening ourselves up to another person... we seem to want to regulate everything in we do. We are not willing to be open to all the opportunities life provides and truly just BE. We need to calculate the outcome, or the return on the investment, or the longevity of the relationship, or the money in our bank accounts... we let that fear hold us back, we worry that if we let it go, others might say; "well, that wasn’t responsible" or "they don’t seem right together". Perhaps the one thing in this life we DO need to limit is the judgment we share at every opportunity and the fear that stems from it.

With that said, I am completely aware that my writing is a hopeful commentary on my thoughts and opinions and feelings. And in this writing I am also aware that I am limiting my voice- what I truly desire to admit or say- my true, raw and uncensored self, the unlimited truth. The thing is, I really DON’T know anything. I’m just trying to live and figure shit out as I go. I often feel like I am doing it all wrong, like I am too lazy, too opinionated, too expectant, simply not good enough. I am pretty sure we all feel this way. I limit even admitting when I am mad, always trying to put a positive spin on all situations. See the beauty in everything and in everyone… At times, its exhausting. I long for adventure but most of the time I am so comfortable stuck in routines that I too am scared to open myself up to the risk involved in putting myself in those situations. My list of limitations goes on and on and on and on… and its long and it makes me very decidedly human.

But I am aware of my list of fears. I am constantly reminded to take new risks, to step outside my routines, and I am lucky enough to be provided with the support and inspiration to do just that. This year alone, I witnessed several people in my life break free of their fear and embrace their “dreams”- shed limitations and embrace risk. From simply spending a couple months in Costa Rica, to quitting a job of five plus years because it wasn’t truly the right fit, to walking across the country to really connect with self and community- these daring friends continue to inspire me to not lose sight of my dreams, my goals, my evolution and what it feels like to really live life. So- with their inspired stories in my back pocket, and my courage worn on my sleeve, though at times reluctantly, I am working to limit my fear, as life is far too short to limit living. As for my reluctant friend, well, I can only hope that they way I choose to live my life inspires her to shed her fears and take some risks of her own. Until then, I'll try my best to not piss her off and if I do, at the very least pick up the tab.

DOMINICAN DREAMS

In my brief time in the Dominican Republic I was able to witness so many aspects of life that are so different than my own. I spent time in the bustling marketplaces of our continents oldest city Santa Domingo, and in a Haitian refugee camp where extreme poverty is evident in the eyes of underfed children, and in the fishing villages of Bayahibe and Boca De Yuma, the latter which has been virtually untouched by the boom of the countries tourism.

The common factor I witnessed as i traveled the south eastern part of their world is that there is hope in even the hardest situations. Where if you're a bit down on your luck there is nothing like a game of dominoes or baseball or a string of lottery tickets to lift you up. There is hope in the sadness of a girl with no place to sleep and in there is hope in the choice to leave your country to come and live in a camp just so your children can have access to better schools and be free of an oppressive government. There is hope in the face of a woman who has lived more lives than i may ever have the pleasure.... hope in an honest days work... hope in sprawling fields of sugar cane and blue skies that stretch as wide as they are long.

For just an instant i was able to immerse myself in what it would be like to have this brand of hope. To not need the things we trick ourselves in thinking we 'need' and to find joy in the simplicity of a people happy to just live and make the most of every moment.

Open publication - Free publishing

"Timshel"

Tonight- Music filled my heart. Harmonies and guitars and drums brought me closer to God. The beauty and power resounding from incredible voices cleared my mind and helped me focus and made life blur all at the same moment. Things I thought I wanted drifted away- people I thought I desired to be close to faded . My soul was touched by the inspiration of others- the passion of people doing what they love- following dreams- living in the moment- being true to the gifts they have been given. Life is too short to let slide the things that make us happy- the things that drive us forward and the things that push us toward greatness. Life is too short not to surround ourselves with people we love, people who challenge and motivate us, people who build us up and help us grow, make us laugh... and think... and feel. Life is too short to not CHOOSE to fill our lives with this sort of 'music'.

"And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand"


TIMSHEL- THOU MAYEST

old 'words'

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare
Sonnet 116