Dostoevsky's Words

"Nor is there any embarrassment in the fact that we're ridiculous, isn't it true? For it's actually so, we are ridiculous, light-minded, with bad habits, we're bored, we don't know how to look, how to understand, we're all like that, all, you, and I, and they! You know, in my opinion it's sometimes even good to be ridiculous, if not better: we can the sooner forgive each other, the sooner humble ourselves; we can't understand everything at once, we cant start right out with perfection! To achieve perfection, one must first begin by not understanding many things! And if we understand too quickly, we may not understand well. "
-fd

Hemingways Words

"a man at home dreams of adventure, a man on adventure dreams of home..."
-eh

Tolstoys Words

"everything i know - I know only because i have loved"

-lt

when we say goodbye...

.. on April 30^th, 2006 I moved out of my loft at 1011 N. Killingsworth street. Closed the door on a chapter of my life, closed the door on the on ten foot tall windows letting in light from the east and the south, closed the door on the weathered hardwoods that if not careful would leave a nasty splinter the size of a small tree branch embedded in your foot, closed the door to the loud overhead heater, the art deco loft railing I always thought looked like seven peacocks defending small piles of un-hatched eggs, the 15 foot tall ceilings, closed the door on a place I never thought I would step foot in again. A sad realization - that signified a loss of something I loved- something that was my home. It’s now September of 2010, over four years later I am writing this in my bed in the loft with the peacock railing, high above the weathered hardwoods with the streetlamps on N. Killingsworth shining through the oversized windows. I am writing this from my home.

When we say “goodbye” to something, is it ever really “goodbye”? More and more I'm realizing that uncertainty is one of life’s greatest gifts! So often we have to ‘let go’ of things- desires- people- possessions- hopes- dreams- friends- but who's to say that letting go now, means letting go forever? Who's to say that just because something isn’t working in this present moment, in the current situation that it won’t work later... down the line...when things, life, situations, change? So to close ourselves off to uncertainty, is sort of like robbing ourselves of hope- just because we say goodbye now, doesn’t mean it might not one day be a part of our lives again, usually in a different and typically a much better capacity.

So though the walls of my home are similar, the beams and the bones, and the splintering hardwoods and the rippled panes of glass in the windows …the place is very different. The situation is very different. I am very different.

I am also realizing that I am mostly a contradiction (and that is ok) I could write that it is typically hard for me to let things go. That at times I can feel the fingers of my thoughts grasping so tightly to things that they leave bruises… but… that wouldn’t always be the truth… Sometimes, I can let go so quickly it makes me question if I ever really cared at all…. And at this point, I am SO very aware that this statement of contradiction has very little to do, if anything, with my loft or the fact that “goodbye isn’t always goodbye”

… or does it. Isnt it about fear?

Fear. The times, the memories, the people, the things that were easy to let go of – I wasn’t afraid of ‘losing’ or was aware that most things are never ours to lose to begin with... the things that I hold onto or have held onto seem to be the things I am afraid to live my life without. Things I am afraid to change. Things I fear I may never find again… fear.

What is it about the simple need to possess a tiny square of this planet or the heart of another person, or a lifestyle.. that pulls our emotions every which way, allowing us to let go of practical thought and simple balance?

Balance.

THIS is what I long for. Balance in life, In work, In love, Not possession. Balance. Life is not black and white - It never has been and I doubt it ever will be … so balance is what we are left with. Openness to the uncertainties, To the letting go, To the grey areas and even being open to the fear that goodbye may be forever or goodbye may be temporary… and though at times it may be sad, It can be balanced with the excitement that through loss and letting go, there can be the birth of a fresh chapter… a new beginning.. Possibly one we never even imagined wanting. Which means, that the trite saying “when one door closes a window opens” is for the most part true… though, in my case the windows that have been opened just happen to be ten feet tall.

Drops like Stars-

We plot, we plan, we assume things are going to go
A certain way and then they don’t and we find ourselves

In a new place, a place we haven’t been before, a place
We never would have imagined on our own,

And so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even
Tragic and yet it opened us up and freed us to see
Things in a whole new way

Suffering does that—

It hurts,
But it also creates.

How many of the most significant moments in your
Life came not because it all went right, but because
It all fell apart?

It’s strange how there can be art in the agony…

ROB BELL.

limits...

Earlier this week I had drinks with an old friend... a friend I’ve known since high school. A friend I’ve experienced a lot with over the last fifteen years... and as with most relationships, we have drifted in and out of each others lives... always aware that though we have made many different choices we will always care about each other. Over $4 beers at an Irish pub on first avenue in Portland called Paddy’s she mentioned that she would love to see the world... experience other cultures. I encouraged her to start planning a trip somewhere she has always wanted to go, somewhere that would be a challenge to her, a place where she could step outside her comfort zone, grow in new experiences and gain new perspectives.

Instead of inspiring her- my encouragement seemed to simply piss her off. She poured out a number of what I took to be excuses of just how unrealistic a trip like this would be. She: "couldn’t afford it", "couldn’t take the time off of work", "couldn’t leave her son", "couldn’t this, couldn’t that" I explained that a trip like this "couldn’t" happen if she kept telling herself that it can’t. I explained, quite rationally I thought, that she was limiting herself with excuses and that dreams CAN become reality with the right attitude... again instead of inspiring her, I managed to frustrate her further, not liking what I had to say at all, nor did I like her point of view... we spent the rest of our time sipping our beers in an awkward and frustrated silence.

The evening made me think:

Why do we limit ourselves?

Why do we put boundaries on our dreams? Furthermore, why call them "dreams" at all? Why not call them Goals? Why not be open to the infinite amount of possibilities out there for us to experience? We put limits and rules and laws on just about everything in our lives; Travel, Adventure, Happiness, Consumption, Love, Risk, Relationship...

Why do we so frequently tell ourselves "NO.”?

The more I live, the more I am finding that there is a certain amount of risk involved in living. Making the choice to place yourself outside all comfort zones takes a courage that many are too complacent to feel. Is it safe to say that in limiting the risks we take we are actually just letting fear take control and live life for us?

Whether it’s traveling to new exotic locations, quitting the security of a job that we hate, opening ourselves up to another person... we seem to want to regulate everything in we do. We are not willing to be open to all the opportunities life provides and truly just BE. We need to calculate the outcome, or the return on the investment, or the longevity of the relationship, or the money in our bank accounts... we let that fear hold us back, we worry that if we let it go, others might say; "well, that wasn’t responsible" or "they don’t seem right together". Perhaps the one thing in this life we DO need to limit is the judgment we share at every opportunity and the fear that stems from it.

With that said, I am completely aware that my writing is a hopeful commentary on my thoughts and opinions and feelings. And in this writing I am also aware that I am limiting my voice- what I truly desire to admit or say- my true, raw and uncensored self, the unlimited truth. The thing is, I really DON’T know anything. I’m just trying to live and figure shit out as I go. I often feel like I am doing it all wrong, like I am too lazy, too opinionated, too expectant, simply not good enough. I am pretty sure we all feel this way. I limit even admitting when I am mad, always trying to put a positive spin on all situations. See the beauty in everything and in everyone… At times, its exhausting. I long for adventure but most of the time I am so comfortable stuck in routines that I too am scared to open myself up to the risk involved in putting myself in those situations. My list of limitations goes on and on and on and on… and its long and it makes me very decidedly human.

But I am aware of my list of fears. I am constantly reminded to take new risks, to step outside my routines, and I am lucky enough to be provided with the support and inspiration to do just that. This year alone, I witnessed several people in my life break free of their fear and embrace their “dreams”- shed limitations and embrace risk. From simply spending a couple months in Costa Rica, to quitting a job of five plus years because it wasn’t truly the right fit, to walking across the country to really connect with self and community- these daring friends continue to inspire me to not lose sight of my dreams, my goals, my evolution and what it feels like to really live life. So- with their inspired stories in my back pocket, and my courage worn on my sleeve, though at times reluctantly, I am working to limit my fear, as life is far too short to limit living. As for my reluctant friend, well, I can only hope that they way I choose to live my life inspires her to shed her fears and take some risks of her own. Until then, I'll try my best to not piss her off and if I do, at the very least pick up the tab.

DOMINICAN DREAMS

In my brief time in the Dominican Republic I was able to witness so many aspects of life that are so different than my own. I spent time in the bustling marketplaces of our continents oldest city Santa Domingo, and in a Haitian refugee camp where extreme poverty is evident in the eyes of underfed children, and in the fishing villages of Bayahibe and Boca De Yuma, the latter which has been virtually untouched by the boom of the countries tourism.

The common factor I witnessed as i traveled the south eastern part of their world is that there is hope in even the hardest situations. Where if you're a bit down on your luck there is nothing like a game of dominoes or baseball or a string of lottery tickets to lift you up. There is hope in the sadness of a girl with no place to sleep and in there is hope in the choice to leave your country to come and live in a camp just so your children can have access to better schools and be free of an oppressive government. There is hope in the face of a woman who has lived more lives than i may ever have the pleasure.... hope in an honest days work... hope in sprawling fields of sugar cane and blue skies that stretch as wide as they are long.

For just an instant i was able to immerse myself in what it would be like to have this brand of hope. To not need the things we trick ourselves in thinking we 'need' and to find joy in the simplicity of a people happy to just live and make the most of every moment.

Open publication - Free publishing

"Timshel"

Tonight- Music filled my heart. Harmonies and guitars and drums brought me closer to God. The beauty and power resounding from incredible voices cleared my mind and helped me focus and made life blur all at the same moment. Things I thought I wanted drifted away- people I thought I desired to be close to faded . My soul was touched by the inspiration of others- the passion of people doing what they love- following dreams- living in the moment- being true to the gifts they have been given. Life is too short to let slide the things that make us happy- the things that drive us forward and the things that push us toward greatness. Life is too short not to surround ourselves with people we love, people who challenge and motivate us, people who build us up and help us grow, make us laugh... and think... and feel. Life is too short to not CHOOSE to fill our lives with this sort of 'music'.

"And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand"


TIMSHEL- THOU MAYEST

old 'words'

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare
Sonnet 116

"Thats OK"

Tonight I had dinner with a new friend- its funny how connection works- opening ourselves up to another, letting them into our lives, our thoughts, our worlds. Risking that they wont judge us. That they will accept us even though our stories are different. Choosing to take those risks.

In this case, it was an easy conversation that flowed as we talked about everything from professional passions to optimistic outlooks, shared interests and dysfunctional family life.. we compared faiths and life experience and goals and somewhere in the middle of a story he was telling about his housing situation he mentioned, rather off hand, that he and his long time girlfriend were recently in a "pretty serious car accident, and she didnt make it,"....

"She didnt make it,"....

"She didnt make it, and thats ok"

Then he smiled and continued with his story. He smiled because at times that's all we can do... and that smile is a choice. That smile is a celebration of memories, wrapped in the muscles of the mouth turning upward.

I dont think that his matter of fact response in anyway negates his love or feelings for her. In fact, I am quite positive that there isnt a day that passes that he doesnt miss her terribly. But he understands that this pain, this loss, is making him the man he will become. He is aware of the growth that can happen when we let go and dont let our heads fight with our hearts against the hard parts of life.

Bad days happen. Horrible things happen. People die. The world is rocked daily by death... greed... pain... hate... heartache... fear... but, as in everything, there is a balance that can be found if we choose to look for it, choose to search, choose perspective, choose to just let go- knowing that the course of this life has so much meaning. Choose to go on living through the times that simply put, suck. Choose to live each day grateful for the lives we have, the people we call our friends and family, the love we are able to give and at times receive.

..Choose to not only live, but live INSPIRED.

"She didnt make it, and thats ok"

I very much like my new friend.

Irish Blessing...

look a little further..

Why do we let our inner cynic hold back our inspiration? Tonight i did something i have enjoyed since i was a kid... i watched the Academy Awards. One might be quick to judge or think; "how does that matter? How is watching wealthy, elite, privileged celebrities receive accolades in addition to their already inflated paychecks, lifestyles and egos relevant to the currant issues of society?" ... in a sense, "how is a shiny golden statue being handed to a shiny golden actress going to change the world?"

....

Well?
...

Can it?

....

The way i see it, most people have never allowed their guard to be lowered to truly feel the power someone carries when inspired to make a difference through art... expression... story telling...

in addition to the beauty of tradition and ceremony - something sadly lost on most people these days- there is a platform to showcase people doing what they love to do. A platform to bridge the vast gaps that exist between our everyday lives and the stories and experiences of others we are detached from in this world.

Tonight i watched people be honored and awarded for painting pictures of love, hope, fear history, abuse, heartbreak, rebirth, conservation, acceptance, passion... war...

While most are focusing their attention on judging what celebrities are wearing they are missing the simple honesty to that resounds at the Academy Awards. A convention that resonates with the warmth of a community getting together to commend each others achievements, to celebrate inspiration and the risk that it takes to create, to dream, to know what it feels like to walk in anothers shoes, to connect to a character who's life is vastly different than your own, to be moved by new stories, new characters, to relate, to learn to be granted a glimpse of new perspectives, to FEEL. To feel something for someone you may have never otherwise encountered.

As the credits rolled, i turned my TV off and felt as though i had spent the last four hours with close friends, and not so much famous strangers. I felt their dreams, their hopes, their need and desire to create something relevant to our world and to their own artistic expression.

I felt my own need to dream, and create, and inspire, and be relevant... we all have stories to tell and with the help of a theater full of strangers I'm more compelled than ever to tell the world mine.

overlooking 'Action'

I am reading a book currently that involves the idea of bringing Heaven to Earth. Its making me realize that so many "Christians" seem to simply be waiting for their earthly lives to end, but, as it so often seems, in the waiting, so much is being overlooked. We forget that its NOT all about the end of this life- its not about dying- its not about a soul or spirit leaving our body and floating through the clouds with a golden harp and a flowing white nightgown.... its not about a heaven in the clouds, or st. peters list, or giant golden gates and an eternal life without pain, or hate or poverty, or loneliness, or whatever plagues a person in their earthly existence.

its really more about;

REBIRTH.
RESURRECTION.
RENEWAL.

One might even say... the original form of RECYCLING: We are the used and the broken and the damaged and the empty and the discarded, and through personal faith and belief and love and experiences we are rebuilt in a more perfect form. 

That is what should be driving us forward - to live our lives with this 'new life' always as the goal... the plan...the not so final outcome... we should constantly strive to emulate this unattainable being we may one day be blessed to become- and while we are shrouded in our own imperfections we should do everything in our power to help bring this positive energy to our current existence.

Should. Could. Choose. Become. Empower. Implement. Create...

Words. We say them aloud. We preach them to others. We write them in journals or in our blogs... however, without action, without follow through, they are quite simply empty romantic notions.

Everyday people exist to serve others. People, who give freely of their time and their energy and their love to make the lives of others better, to make the world of others better. To bring a little bit of "heaven" to earth.. no matter what their religion, they act. They give. They Love. They are living, striving, reaching toward that more perfect form. A more perfect world. They may just be one person, or a handful of friends, or a small organization, they may seem insignificant in the larger picture, it may seem like their contributions wont make a bit of difference in this great mess we have made, but they give anyway. They contribute. Time, money, energy, love, perspective.

These people bring "heaven" to a small piece of this life.. to a fragment of our existence. Words are not simply words - they are actions. Actions that lead to steps... and steps that become a journey... A journey that continuously opens upon itself with new words, new chapters, new actions, new beginnings, and new people willing to contribute to the beauty of an empire that is imperfect yet built on love. Because in the end... heaven is coming here.

Choose Life...

This morning I am sitting at my desk and drinking coffee and listening to Bob Dylan sing and strum while I write out goals for the day, the week, the month, the year, life....

....and I realize that in a year where I gave candy to Haitian children, learned to fly on a trapeze 40 ft in the air, reconnected with a friend I thought I had lost forever, drank an entire bottle of whiskey straight and didnt die and learned to love and be inspired by my own pain, that it is never too late for anything and EVERYTHING is possible as long as we make the choice to take the risk and LIVE!

"Half-cracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull, I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then
I'm younger than that now."
-Dylan

FAITH & FIREWORKS | and all that falls between

"If you ask me, we make too much of worldly love. I like it as a metaphor, but making too much of love is like trying not to be where tree falls in the forest so you can hear it, its like chasing a leprechaun..."

I read this in a book recently by one of my favorite authors. He is talking about the end of a recent relationship... the flood of thoughts when you begin to realize that things just aren't right- aren't going to work- no matter how much effort you put in- no matter how hard you try- he states that;

"in the end, my girlfriend and I put too much pressure on each other because we both thought the other person was going to be our savior. We thought the other person was Jesus."

Validation: We seek self validation in our relationships. We pressure those we love and care about most to fill us up- to complete us- to be the sun to shine in the shadows of our souls. WHO could fulfill such an immense pressure? Most relationships will crack under this sort of strain.

It's a difficult balance- where passion meets faith. Out of six billion people we would assume its easy to meet someone who inspires us to grow in our relationship with God and Jesus, but someone who also sends sparks through our very existence? Where do we even begin looking for such a person? Does someone like this exist, and if they do, will they only come around once in a lifetime?

That's exactly what I'm looking for! To feel the spark of passion- of excitement- it takes the ability and openness to take a risk.

The risk of opening myself up to someone new.. the risk of letting that person know the parts of me I keep hidden... the excitement.. the thrill.. the hope.. the spark... the fireworks!!!

The moments spent together that when added up equal a relationship: Praying together, laughing together, brushing away an eyelash from a cheek, reading out loud to each other till four in the morning, giving someone else a little of your load when life gets hard, challenging each other when stubbornness builds walls around your 'opinions'.

Growing. Through pain- loss- happiness- wisdom- honesty- failures- creativity- understanding- triumphs- communication- attraction- inspiration!

Finding God together: Whether from within the walls of a church, or the way light wraps itself through barren trees on a a clear winters day. Finding God by being there for each other through the frustration of a bad day, or through the loss of a parent, a friend, a job, a goldfish, a houseplant... Finding God in a smile, in a laugh, in a song lyric, in a book, in a guitar chord, in the beauty of one wrinkled hand locked in loving embrace with another.. Finding God in the beauty of life.. in the strength of sharing that life with another person, and in the confidence it takes to do so. 

Finding God in faith and in fireworks and in all that falls between.

I dont think this is a choice about one or the other. I dont think that this has to be a choice to only embrace Gods love or only seek validation in the worldly love of another human. I do get it, what the author is saying. I understand the pressures we place on each other- the pressures we put on love and I'm as guilty as everyone. For me, however, its about finding a balance, a complimenting force- one thing, building up the other - one love to strengthen another. Nothing less. Finding God in another person. And finding love in God. There is true validation.

the family story...

This morning I went to church for the first time in two years... or, at least I think it’s been two years, I can’t exactly remember. Anyway, I’m always apprehensive about opening myself up like this -praying and singing in public- takes a confidence in myself and moreover a confidence in my faith. And so, with most things that force us outside our comfort zone, I was rewarded. I left with new thoughts, a new point of view, a weight lifted and a heart lightened.

Today- a young woman stepped outside of her comfort zone and delivered her testimony to a congregation of strangers. A testimony involving a father sexually abusing a seven-year-old girl. A testimony involving a mother’s disregard for a daughter’s mental and physical health by withholding much needed love, affection and understanding. A testimony involving a broken child who blamed herself. A testimony where a fathers sickness and lust forced actions that sent him to prison, breaking apart a family and taking from his children a vital piece of childhood. This young woman rose above all of the pain in her life and with God's love was able to forgive her fathers actions, her mothers inaction, and eventually herself. This choice released the guilt that masqueraded as clarity, seemingly holding her world together. This young woman may not have been given the choice of who her family is, but she was given the choice to rise above hate, pain, abuse, remorse, unfairness, and embrace the people in her life with a Christ-like love.

A love without agenda or motives.

She embraced forgiveness and in doing so, she embraced love.

We all have a family. We all have a story. It may or may not involve abuse, or neglect, or pressure to succeed or certain shoes to fill…. Whatever the plot, our stories are all different. Our families are all different. The common ground is that we are also given the choice to look past the flaws and love without needing that identical love returned.

As the holidays approach, and families make plans to gather together, whether out of obligation or expectation or out of love and desire for unity, and gifts will be exchanged, sometimes heartfelt, sometimes void of meaning or worth, I pray that I can let go of the pain I hold when it comes to my own family. My own story is different than that young woman’s – However, it is not, and never will be perfect…

I pray that I am able to give love as my gift to my family. My love. My time. My forgiveness. I pray that I choose to embrace the characters God has penned into my story, because we haven’t yet reached the end and there are many more pages and many more chapters left to write.

"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future."

-Gail Lumet Buckley

lightning could strike

One of my favorite speeches from one of my favorite movies. Delivered by Anthony Hopkins to Clair Forlani, playing his daughter. Every time I hear it, I am reminded never to settle for anything less than I truly deserve...To throw practicality, rationalization and the realistic thoughts that hold us back , to the wind. Because the greatest rewards come when we take chances on that which is a risky! When we are bold. When we try, when we stay open....

"I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike."

Anthony Hopkins "Meet Joe Black"

Walk in the good way.

I have a friend who is taking a risk and walking across our country in hopes of connecting with as many souls he can, but also I am sure in a sense, to find himself somewhere in the earth that is stretched between two oceans.

Reading in my bible this morning I came across this passage and was instantly reminded of this amazing guy. I pray for him everyday and can confidently say that out of everyone I know, he is the most capable of making huge changes in the way the world loves. His faith in God and in people continue to drive me to be a better man myself.

Jonathon Stalls is an incredible force of inspiration that I have been lucky enough to know if only for a brief minute of time. Im looking forward to hearing about the roads he will travel, the lives he will change, the blisters he will get, the hope he will spread...

"stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for you soul"
Jeremiah 6:16

To follow Jon's 'walk' check out the various websites [linked below] that detail what he is doing.
If you can, give a little to help him on his way but more importantly... be open to the risk that is inspiration... you never know where it might lead you to walk.




KIVA | Kiva Walk

KIVAWALK.COM

FACEBOOK | KIVA WALK

Investments

There is a group of people- all very different - unique - all living their own lives in their own way. Some content to simply "be" - some constantly seeking more out of life - some with faith in God - some with faith in science - some with no faith at all - some that hold onto the past - some constantly looking to the future and some overwhelmed living in each moment of the present...

...Some are married, some single, some searching for the ideal romance, some testing the waters of a new relationship and some unable to move on from the relationships of the past.

Their needs and desires are as different as they are. One is looking for financial stability, one for the next big adventure, one longs for constant inspiration and one desperately wants a baby....

Though these lives go on daily - living differently - wanting differently - loving differently - they all , at the very least, share one common thread.....

-They are the greatest friends a person could ask for-

Tonight I sat around a table surrounded by a group of people I hold closest to my heart. A group of people gathered together to celebrate my birthday - my life - me.

Looking into the faces of this mismatched group I felt overwhelmingly blessed. I felt loved. I felt as though they were each personally investing into my life. They were. They are.

Which got me thinking; Why do we waste so much time on people that don't make this investment? People who don't call? Don't write? Don't send you and email out of the blue on a rainy Tuesday afternoon simply to say: "You're incredible." or a text message just to say "youre a great friend"

Why do we waste time on those who don't make time for us?

I have been blessed to have a group of friends that truly care about me - I have been blessed to be able to truly love them in return. They are my family, they are my support, they are my strength, they are the reality of my world, the beauty of connectedness, they are laughter, passion, inspiration, honesty, judgment, advice, compassion, understanding...

..and the moments spent in each others company braid our lives, and our worlds,
together,
tighter in unity.

"And as they laughed and drank their wine, I wondered how much it costs to be rich in friends and how many years and stories and scenes it takes to make a rich life happen." -Donald Miller

"the Goal of Life... "

Every now and then, a client or casual acquaintance decides to overstep the line of professionalism and send me chain emails on personal topics. Religion, Politics, Propaganda...

These emails typically get deleted or marked as spam.

For some reason, on this particular Friday I decided to open this particular email and read these particular words. I was reminded that God works through many people, and many formats of communication, and as usual He was sending me a message exactly when I needed it most. It started with a scripture:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

For many people in the world, real meaning in life is the next vacation, career success, or stepping up the income ladder. It is a life based on pleasurable experiences. Many a human being has toiled their whole life to gain a pleasurable lifestyle only to find a life that is empty and meaningless. You only have to watch television for one evening to discover that advertisers want us to believe this is the goal of life. The work-to-play theme is consistent with most advertising messages.

Knowing Christ brings the only real meaning and purpose to the human soul. Spend time today getting to know the Lord in a more intimate way. Then you will discover real meaning and purpose in life. [Os Hillman]

I do not know who Os Hillman is, what he believes, where he lives, who he loves. But I do know that today, his words seeped into my soul and reminded me what is important. Reminded me to continue my struggle to find meaning and beauty in this life, reminded me to continue to grow and cultivate my relationship and my connection with God. Strange, that today, I feel so much gratitude toward a total stranger who through God, was used to inspire me to keep moving forward in faith.

"Ideal" beauty

Like every other day, today, I woke up, poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down at my desk to check my email. I paid little attention to the random fluffy headlines flickering on and off of the screen ... "when is the right time to buy a car?" .... "7 Foods that lower cholesterol!".... "Why does your child have a tantrum"...and on and on...  Until one in particular caught my attention...

"Stylist at London Fashion Week
resigns over designer Mark Fast's
decision to use plus sized models"

I clicked on the link and read, and re-read the entire article with many thoughts streaming through my mind and coming to rest, unsettled, in my gut.... 

Frustration and helpless anger were soon projected toward the ignorance and judgment of an industry "supposedly" built on beauty, art, and INDIVIDUAL expression... then the idea that this isn't simply compartmentalized into one industry- but human perception!

In a world that strives to grow and evolve into a more tolerant and loving society, where we seek and preach freedom of speech, civil rights, feminism, gay marriage... equality... it begs to be considered;

How are constantly getting it SO wrong?

I personally, cant help but ask myself the question; "what the hell am i getting myself into??"

As I become increasingly more successful as a photographer, I see how easy it would be to immerse myself in that world. If I were to glimpse a future where I was "Cully Wright, acclaimed fashion photographer"... who would that be? Does this person treat people with love, respect and compassion? Does he find the beauty in everyone? Or does he throw models off of his set for a few spare inches in the hips or thighs? Does he expect the world to bend to him, getting into the best bars, rubbing elbows with top industry big wigs? Does he have a blatant disregard for human decency? does he rationalize it all by saying something like; "it's just part of the game"? Does he embody that persona? Will "I" become "him" and does "he" know what a huge asshole he is?

NO.

Because of articles like this, it takes everything in my will to not run as far away from this industry as I can get... How can we treat other people like this? Why is it not praised that this young designer is expressing his admiration for the human body and the variations in which it is formed. Why is behavior like this tolerated?

Why cant we, in an industry that can be so competitive and ugly by nature, embrace the beauty and inspiration that is truly at its roots? Why can't we lead and inspire others to take more "risks" for that which they believe in?

WE CAN.

I WILL.

As my business grows- as my client base expands- as I am exposed to more and more of this crazy industry- I will continue to ask it to consider what beauty truly is?

I will continue to concern myself with the inspiration of this world and its people- despite their size, color, shape... I will continue to see each day as an opportunity to hold myself and the people I work with to higher standards of living. To avoid the gossip and drama we tend to call the  "Media" or "Networking".

I will seek, and find true art- and beauty in everyone that is behind my lens and standing by my side. That is why I do what I do. Not for the fame- for the bylines- or the acclaim from people whom I don't know, or honestly whose opinion I care little about. For the connection. For the expression. To be a positive influence. To be able to say "You are Beautiful" and more importantly, to mean it. That's the point.

Though we are lost, though we have strayed far off course, though this "ideal" we have in our heads of what is beautiful is so very jaded, people like this designer inspire me to keep moving forward. To become someone that lets everyone know; "its not too late!"

I have a voice... and the best part is that I have a choice to use it.

I choose to.

Beauty IS possible. 

Love through the words of a guy named Dave

"I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would YOU like to dance
Around the world with me

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up"

-D.M.B

There is something SOOO beautiful about these lyrics.. They are pure, honest and so transparent about what it means to truely and unselfishly love another soul. Hope and passion and loss and faith, and excitement, all in a simple grouping of words... It's nice to know that these feelings exist in the world.

That we have the capacity to feel this sort of emotion toward each other gives me such an optimistic outlook on life - on humanity.

There is pain... there is sadness... we will hurt each other... but there is love and hope that makes the risk all the more worthwhile.

Its exciting to know that somewhere there is someone for all of us.. someone who can feel this way and change our outlook of the world as we once knew it.

a choice.

I am on a plane.
I am leaving.
I am departing.
I am exiting.

-Three days in Denver Colorado, three months of confusion and hurt and wanting something I've felt was no longer attainable.

As I turn my head away from the beat up champagne colored sedan, as I walk through the sliding glass doors of the Denver international airport, as I print my boarding pass, maneuver through a surprisingly short security line, as I sit at my gate, as I board the plane, as i find my seat and stow my bag, as i fly away.. I leave behind a city I hardly know, I leave behind someone I care so much about, I leave behind expectations that have kept me hostage (a welcome captive)...

I let go... As I fly away, I let go.

It hurts. It takes my breath away. It makes me want to panic and scratch and claw and fight for what i want. What i cant have. what cannot be. It sucks.

It is so beautiful!!

I am on a plane.
I am moving forward.
I am arriving.
I am embarking.

Three days in Denver Colorado. One, happier than any day I've experienced in the last few months. As I turn my head away from the beat up champagne colored sedan, as i walk through the doors of the airport, as I print my boarding pass, maneuver through security, sit at the gate, board the plane, find my seat, stow my bag... as I fly away... I fly home. I fly toward my friends, my family, the people I fill my life with, the people who invest in the life I've created. Who care so much for me and want to see me happy- fulfilled.

I say a temporary goodbye to a very good friend, I know our connection is strong and can withstand time and space. I know that our roll in each others lives is authentic and real. Somehow... Concrete.

Though bittersweet, I move toward a new hope that is freeing me from my own perception. My own emotions that till now I've enabled to trap me.

I move forward... As I fly home, I choose to move forward.

Its a choice to change and it is exciting and it takes my breath away. The clarity refreshes me and gives me the courage to plan my own journey. My own adventure. My role in this world. It inspires me to let go of something that was never mine to try to possess. Something that cannot be owned or controlled or forced. Something that I can only hold my memories of.

IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

I am on a plane..
I am on my way...
I am not sure whats next...

I am GREAT!

our days are but a passing shadow

The past three months have been a blur of emotions- a challenge- an internal struggle- one lesson after another.

Old goals that have defined who I am… where I thought I was going… who I would become or who I might take on that journey, have been released. New dreams have entered my mind- challenged my routines –turned things upside-down, sideways, but never backwards. What I've realized?

Life is too short to simply EXIST.

I think that is what I have been doing- just existing- Following goals/dreams blindly- never stopping to ask:

“why do you want that?”

“who will that make you?”

“is that considered success?”

The goals I’ve been walking steadily toward for the last ten years are the goals of someone I no longer wholly identify with. That person is insecure and materialistic, that person measures success through the validation of strangers, through the validation of monetary compensation, of how ‘superior’ he considered himself to others, of how he lived his life ‘better’ than the rest. That person judged other people based on physical appearance, social status, personal choices… that person allowed hate to override compassion.

-Doesn’t everybody?-

I’ve become someone who is…

insecure and materialistic, I measure success through the validation of others, through how much income I am bringing in, how hard I am working. I judge other people based on physical appearance, social status, personal choices and every now and then I allow these judgements to override my compassion for others.

-The difference?-

I am aware.

I long for a change.

I ask-pray-strive everyday for this awareness.

I am aware of my human nature and am now equipped to fight it. I am no longer “OK” with simply accepting my own shallow, judgmental, existence.

I know I am absolutely NO better – no more worthy of love, success, and happiness, than anyone else. I am different, but that doesn’t make me ‘better’. The truth? We are ALL worthy of love, success, and happiness- measured in so many various ways… all taking so many different forms.

My awareness comes with a new understanding of love. It opens my eyes to the beauty inside others, it releases my need to judge strangers or seek their validation, it brings the need for wisdom and understanding… compassion… meaning… into my journey.

For me it is now a necessity. Life wouldn’t be whole without it. I’m not there yet - I’m not fully formed – I am not perfect, nor will I ever be here on Earth. The thought of how much I don’t know is at times overwhelming.. at times frustrating.. more complicated than not. But that is the exciting part-

THE UNCERTAINTY!

New Goals! New Dreams! New plans!

A new way to live, to love, to exist! Life is to short to simply fall into stagnant routines, continuously going through a pattern of emotions.

I’m ready for the challenges. I’m ready for the struggles. I’m ready to not simply accept.

I’m ready to LIVE.

"for we are like a breath of air

our days are like a passing shadow"

Psm 144:4