"Thats OK"

Tonight I had dinner with a new friend- its funny how connection works- opening ourselves up to another, letting them into our lives, our thoughts, our worlds. Risking that they wont judge us. That they will accept us even though our stories are different. Choosing to take those risks.

In this case, it was an easy conversation that flowed as we talked about everything from professional passions to optimistic outlooks, shared interests and dysfunctional family life.. we compared faiths and life experience and goals and somewhere in the middle of a story he was telling about his housing situation he mentioned, rather off hand, that he and his long time girlfriend were recently in a "pretty serious car accident, and she didnt make it,"....

"She didnt make it,"....

"She didnt make it, and thats ok"

Then he smiled and continued with his story. He smiled because at times that's all we can do... and that smile is a choice. That smile is a celebration of memories, wrapped in the muscles of the mouth turning upward.

I dont think that his matter of fact response in anyway negates his love or feelings for her. In fact, I am quite positive that there isnt a day that passes that he doesnt miss her terribly. But he understands that this pain, this loss, is making him the man he will become. He is aware of the growth that can happen when we let go and dont let our heads fight with our hearts against the hard parts of life.

Bad days happen. Horrible things happen. People die. The world is rocked daily by death... greed... pain... hate... heartache... fear... but, as in everything, there is a balance that can be found if we choose to look for it, choose to search, choose perspective, choose to just let go- knowing that the course of this life has so much meaning. Choose to go on living through the times that simply put, suck. Choose to live each day grateful for the lives we have, the people we call our friends and family, the love we are able to give and at times receive.

..Choose to not only live, but live INSPIRED.

"She didnt make it, and thats ok"

I very much like my new friend.

Irish Blessing...

look a little further..

Why do we let our inner cynic hold back our inspiration? Tonight i did something i have enjoyed since i was a kid... i watched the Academy Awards. One might be quick to judge or think; "how does that matter? How is watching wealthy, elite, privileged celebrities receive accolades in addition to their already inflated paychecks, lifestyles and egos relevant to the currant issues of society?" ... in a sense, "how is a shiny golden statue being handed to a shiny golden actress going to change the world?"

....

Well?
...

Can it?

....

The way i see it, most people have never allowed their guard to be lowered to truly feel the power someone carries when inspired to make a difference through art... expression... story telling...

in addition to the beauty of tradition and ceremony - something sadly lost on most people these days- there is a platform to showcase people doing what they love to do. A platform to bridge the vast gaps that exist between our everyday lives and the stories and experiences of others we are detached from in this world.

Tonight i watched people be honored and awarded for painting pictures of love, hope, fear history, abuse, heartbreak, rebirth, conservation, acceptance, passion... war...

While most are focusing their attention on judging what celebrities are wearing they are missing the simple honesty to that resounds at the Academy Awards. A convention that resonates with the warmth of a community getting together to commend each others achievements, to celebrate inspiration and the risk that it takes to create, to dream, to know what it feels like to walk in anothers shoes, to connect to a character who's life is vastly different than your own, to be moved by new stories, new characters, to relate, to learn to be granted a glimpse of new perspectives, to FEEL. To feel something for someone you may have never otherwise encountered.

As the credits rolled, i turned my TV off and felt as though i had spent the last four hours with close friends, and not so much famous strangers. I felt their dreams, their hopes, their need and desire to create something relevant to our world and to their own artistic expression.

I felt my own need to dream, and create, and inspire, and be relevant... we all have stories to tell and with the help of a theater full of strangers I'm more compelled than ever to tell the world mine.

overlooking 'Action'

I am reading a book currently that involves the idea of bringing Heaven to Earth. Its making me realize that so many "Christians" seem to simply be waiting for their earthly lives to end, but, as it so often seems, in the waiting, so much is being overlooked. We forget that its NOT all about the end of this life- its not about dying- its not about a soul or spirit leaving our body and floating through the clouds with a golden harp and a flowing white nightgown.... its not about a heaven in the clouds, or st. peters list, or giant golden gates and an eternal life without pain, or hate or poverty, or loneliness, or whatever plagues a person in their earthly existence.

its really more about;

REBIRTH.
RESURRECTION.
RENEWAL.

One might even say... the original form of RECYCLING: We are the used and the broken and the damaged and the empty and the discarded, and through personal faith and belief and love and experiences we are rebuilt in a more perfect form. 

That is what should be driving us forward - to live our lives with this 'new life' always as the goal... the plan...the not so final outcome... we should constantly strive to emulate this unattainable being we may one day be blessed to become- and while we are shrouded in our own imperfections we should do everything in our power to help bring this positive energy to our current existence.

Should. Could. Choose. Become. Empower. Implement. Create...

Words. We say them aloud. We preach them to others. We write them in journals or in our blogs... however, without action, without follow through, they are quite simply empty romantic notions.

Everyday people exist to serve others. People, who give freely of their time and their energy and their love to make the lives of others better, to make the world of others better. To bring a little bit of "heaven" to earth.. no matter what their religion, they act. They give. They Love. They are living, striving, reaching toward that more perfect form. A more perfect world. They may just be one person, or a handful of friends, or a small organization, they may seem insignificant in the larger picture, it may seem like their contributions wont make a bit of difference in this great mess we have made, but they give anyway. They contribute. Time, money, energy, love, perspective.

These people bring "heaven" to a small piece of this life.. to a fragment of our existence. Words are not simply words - they are actions. Actions that lead to steps... and steps that become a journey... A journey that continuously opens upon itself with new words, new chapters, new actions, new beginnings, and new people willing to contribute to the beauty of an empire that is imperfect yet built on love. Because in the end... heaven is coming here.

Choose Life...

This morning I am sitting at my desk and drinking coffee and listening to Bob Dylan sing and strum while I write out goals for the day, the week, the month, the year, life....

....and I realize that in a year where I gave candy to Haitian children, learned to fly on a trapeze 40 ft in the air, reconnected with a friend I thought I had lost forever, drank an entire bottle of whiskey straight and didnt die and learned to love and be inspired by my own pain, that it is never too late for anything and EVERYTHING is possible as long as we make the choice to take the risk and LIVE!

"Half-cracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull, I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then
I'm younger than that now."
-Dylan

FAITH & FIREWORKS | and all that falls between

"If you ask me, we make too much of worldly love. I like it as a metaphor, but making too much of love is like trying not to be where tree falls in the forest so you can hear it, its like chasing a leprechaun..."

I read this in a book recently by one of my favorite authors. He is talking about the end of a recent relationship... the flood of thoughts when you begin to realize that things just aren't right- aren't going to work- no matter how much effort you put in- no matter how hard you try- he states that;

"in the end, my girlfriend and I put too much pressure on each other because we both thought the other person was going to be our savior. We thought the other person was Jesus."

Validation: We seek self validation in our relationships. We pressure those we love and care about most to fill us up- to complete us- to be the sun to shine in the shadows of our souls. WHO could fulfill such an immense pressure? Most relationships will crack under this sort of strain.

It's a difficult balance- where passion meets faith. Out of six billion people we would assume its easy to meet someone who inspires us to grow in our relationship with God and Jesus, but someone who also sends sparks through our very existence? Where do we even begin looking for such a person? Does someone like this exist, and if they do, will they only come around once in a lifetime?

That's exactly what I'm looking for! To feel the spark of passion- of excitement- it takes the ability and openness to take a risk.

The risk of opening myself up to someone new.. the risk of letting that person know the parts of me I keep hidden... the excitement.. the thrill.. the hope.. the spark... the fireworks!!!

The moments spent together that when added up equal a relationship: Praying together, laughing together, brushing away an eyelash from a cheek, reading out loud to each other till four in the morning, giving someone else a little of your load when life gets hard, challenging each other when stubbornness builds walls around your 'opinions'.

Growing. Through pain- loss- happiness- wisdom- honesty- failures- creativity- understanding- triumphs- communication- attraction- inspiration!

Finding God together: Whether from within the walls of a church, or the way light wraps itself through barren trees on a a clear winters day. Finding God by being there for each other through the frustration of a bad day, or through the loss of a parent, a friend, a job, a goldfish, a houseplant... Finding God in a smile, in a laugh, in a song lyric, in a book, in a guitar chord, in the beauty of one wrinkled hand locked in loving embrace with another.. Finding God in the beauty of life.. in the strength of sharing that life with another person, and in the confidence it takes to do so. 

Finding God in faith and in fireworks and in all that falls between.

I dont think this is a choice about one or the other. I dont think that this has to be a choice to only embrace Gods love or only seek validation in the worldly love of another human. I do get it, what the author is saying. I understand the pressures we place on each other- the pressures we put on love and I'm as guilty as everyone. For me, however, its about finding a balance, a complimenting force- one thing, building up the other - one love to strengthen another. Nothing less. Finding God in another person. And finding love in God. There is true validation.

the family story...

This morning I went to church for the first time in two years... or, at least I think it’s been two years, I can’t exactly remember. Anyway, I’m always apprehensive about opening myself up like this -praying and singing in public- takes a confidence in myself and moreover a confidence in my faith. And so, with most things that force us outside our comfort zone, I was rewarded. I left with new thoughts, a new point of view, a weight lifted and a heart lightened.

Today- a young woman stepped outside of her comfort zone and delivered her testimony to a congregation of strangers. A testimony involving a father sexually abusing a seven-year-old girl. A testimony involving a mother’s disregard for a daughter’s mental and physical health by withholding much needed love, affection and understanding. A testimony involving a broken child who blamed herself. A testimony where a fathers sickness and lust forced actions that sent him to prison, breaking apart a family and taking from his children a vital piece of childhood. This young woman rose above all of the pain in her life and with God's love was able to forgive her fathers actions, her mothers inaction, and eventually herself. This choice released the guilt that masqueraded as clarity, seemingly holding her world together. This young woman may not have been given the choice of who her family is, but she was given the choice to rise above hate, pain, abuse, remorse, unfairness, and embrace the people in her life with a Christ-like love.

A love without agenda or motives.

She embraced forgiveness and in doing so, she embraced love.

We all have a family. We all have a story. It may or may not involve abuse, or neglect, or pressure to succeed or certain shoes to fill…. Whatever the plot, our stories are all different. Our families are all different. The common ground is that we are also given the choice to look past the flaws and love without needing that identical love returned.

As the holidays approach, and families make plans to gather together, whether out of obligation or expectation or out of love and desire for unity, and gifts will be exchanged, sometimes heartfelt, sometimes void of meaning or worth, I pray that I can let go of the pain I hold when it comes to my own family. My own story is different than that young woman’s – However, it is not, and never will be perfect…

I pray that I am able to give love as my gift to my family. My love. My time. My forgiveness. I pray that I choose to embrace the characters God has penned into my story, because we haven’t yet reached the end and there are many more pages and many more chapters left to write.

"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future."

-Gail Lumet Buckley

lightning could strike

One of my favorite speeches from one of my favorite movies. Delivered by Anthony Hopkins to Clair Forlani, playing his daughter. Every time I hear it, I am reminded never to settle for anything less than I truly deserve...To throw practicality, rationalization and the realistic thoughts that hold us back , to the wind. Because the greatest rewards come when we take chances on that which is a risky! When we are bold. When we try, when we stay open....

"I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike."

Anthony Hopkins "Meet Joe Black"

Walk in the good way.

I have a friend who is taking a risk and walking across our country in hopes of connecting with as many souls he can, but also I am sure in a sense, to find himself somewhere in the earth that is stretched between two oceans.

Reading in my bible this morning I came across this passage and was instantly reminded of this amazing guy. I pray for him everyday and can confidently say that out of everyone I know, he is the most capable of making huge changes in the way the world loves. His faith in God and in people continue to drive me to be a better man myself.

Jonathon Stalls is an incredible force of inspiration that I have been lucky enough to know if only for a brief minute of time. Im looking forward to hearing about the roads he will travel, the lives he will change, the blisters he will get, the hope he will spread...

"stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for you soul"
Jeremiah 6:16

To follow Jon's 'walk' check out the various websites [linked below] that detail what he is doing.
If you can, give a little to help him on his way but more importantly... be open to the risk that is inspiration... you never know where it might lead you to walk.




KIVA | Kiva Walk

KIVAWALK.COM

FACEBOOK | KIVA WALK

Investments

There is a group of people- all very different - unique - all living their own lives in their own way. Some content to simply "be" - some constantly seeking more out of life - some with faith in God - some with faith in science - some with no faith at all - some that hold onto the past - some constantly looking to the future and some overwhelmed living in each moment of the present...

...Some are married, some single, some searching for the ideal romance, some testing the waters of a new relationship and some unable to move on from the relationships of the past.

Their needs and desires are as different as they are. One is looking for financial stability, one for the next big adventure, one longs for constant inspiration and one desperately wants a baby....

Though these lives go on daily - living differently - wanting differently - loving differently - they all , at the very least, share one common thread.....

-They are the greatest friends a person could ask for-

Tonight I sat around a table surrounded by a group of people I hold closest to my heart. A group of people gathered together to celebrate my birthday - my life - me.

Looking into the faces of this mismatched group I felt overwhelmingly blessed. I felt loved. I felt as though they were each personally investing into my life. They were. They are.

Which got me thinking; Why do we waste so much time on people that don't make this investment? People who don't call? Don't write? Don't send you and email out of the blue on a rainy Tuesday afternoon simply to say: "You're incredible." or a text message just to say "youre a great friend"

Why do we waste time on those who don't make time for us?

I have been blessed to have a group of friends that truly care about me - I have been blessed to be able to truly love them in return. They are my family, they are my support, they are my strength, they are the reality of my world, the beauty of connectedness, they are laughter, passion, inspiration, honesty, judgment, advice, compassion, understanding...

..and the moments spent in each others company braid our lives, and our worlds,
together,
tighter in unity.

"And as they laughed and drank their wine, I wondered how much it costs to be rich in friends and how many years and stories and scenes it takes to make a rich life happen." -Donald Miller

"the Goal of Life... "

Every now and then, a client or casual acquaintance decides to overstep the line of professionalism and send me chain emails on personal topics. Religion, Politics, Propaganda...

These emails typically get deleted or marked as spam.

For some reason, on this particular Friday I decided to open this particular email and read these particular words. I was reminded that God works through many people, and many formats of communication, and as usual He was sending me a message exactly when I needed it most. It started with a scripture:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

For many people in the world, real meaning in life is the next vacation, career success, or stepping up the income ladder. It is a life based on pleasurable experiences. Many a human being has toiled their whole life to gain a pleasurable lifestyle only to find a life that is empty and meaningless. You only have to watch television for one evening to discover that advertisers want us to believe this is the goal of life. The work-to-play theme is consistent with most advertising messages.

Knowing Christ brings the only real meaning and purpose to the human soul. Spend time today getting to know the Lord in a more intimate way. Then you will discover real meaning and purpose in life. [Os Hillman]

I do not know who Os Hillman is, what he believes, where he lives, who he loves. But I do know that today, his words seeped into my soul and reminded me what is important. Reminded me to continue my struggle to find meaning and beauty in this life, reminded me to continue to grow and cultivate my relationship and my connection with God. Strange, that today, I feel so much gratitude toward a total stranger who through God, was used to inspire me to keep moving forward in faith.

"Ideal" beauty

Like every other day, today, I woke up, poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down at my desk to check my email. I paid little attention to the random fluffy headlines flickering on and off of the screen ... "when is the right time to buy a car?" .... "7 Foods that lower cholesterol!".... "Why does your child have a tantrum"...and on and on...  Until one in particular caught my attention...

"Stylist at London Fashion Week
resigns over designer Mark Fast's
decision to use plus sized models"

I clicked on the link and read, and re-read the entire article with many thoughts streaming through my mind and coming to rest, unsettled, in my gut.... 

Frustration and helpless anger were soon projected toward the ignorance and judgment of an industry "supposedly" built on beauty, art, and INDIVIDUAL expression... then the idea that this isn't simply compartmentalized into one industry- but human perception!

In a world that strives to grow and evolve into a more tolerant and loving society, where we seek and preach freedom of speech, civil rights, feminism, gay marriage... equality... it begs to be considered;

How are constantly getting it SO wrong?

I personally, cant help but ask myself the question; "what the hell am i getting myself into??"

As I become increasingly more successful as a photographer, I see how easy it would be to immerse myself in that world. If I were to glimpse a future where I was "Cully Wright, acclaimed fashion photographer"... who would that be? Does this person treat people with love, respect and compassion? Does he find the beauty in everyone? Or does he throw models off of his set for a few spare inches in the hips or thighs? Does he expect the world to bend to him, getting into the best bars, rubbing elbows with top industry big wigs? Does he have a blatant disregard for human decency? does he rationalize it all by saying something like; "it's just part of the game"? Does he embody that persona? Will "I" become "him" and does "he" know what a huge asshole he is?

NO.

Because of articles like this, it takes everything in my will to not run as far away from this industry as I can get... How can we treat other people like this? Why is it not praised that this young designer is expressing his admiration for the human body and the variations in which it is formed. Why is behavior like this tolerated?

Why cant we, in an industry that can be so competitive and ugly by nature, embrace the beauty and inspiration that is truly at its roots? Why can't we lead and inspire others to take more "risks" for that which they believe in?

WE CAN.

I WILL.

As my business grows- as my client base expands- as I am exposed to more and more of this crazy industry- I will continue to ask it to consider what beauty truly is?

I will continue to concern myself with the inspiration of this world and its people- despite their size, color, shape... I will continue to see each day as an opportunity to hold myself and the people I work with to higher standards of living. To avoid the gossip and drama we tend to call the  "Media" or "Networking".

I will seek, and find true art- and beauty in everyone that is behind my lens and standing by my side. That is why I do what I do. Not for the fame- for the bylines- or the acclaim from people whom I don't know, or honestly whose opinion I care little about. For the connection. For the expression. To be a positive influence. To be able to say "You are Beautiful" and more importantly, to mean it. That's the point.

Though we are lost, though we have strayed far off course, though this "ideal" we have in our heads of what is beautiful is so very jaded, people like this designer inspire me to keep moving forward. To become someone that lets everyone know; "its not too late!"

I have a voice... and the best part is that I have a choice to use it.

I choose to.

Beauty IS possible. 

Love through the words of a guy named Dave

"I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would YOU like to dance
Around the world with me

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up"

-D.M.B

There is something SOOO beautiful about these lyrics.. They are pure, honest and so transparent about what it means to truely and unselfishly love another soul. Hope and passion and loss and faith, and excitement, all in a simple grouping of words... It's nice to know that these feelings exist in the world.

That we have the capacity to feel this sort of emotion toward each other gives me such an optimistic outlook on life - on humanity.

There is pain... there is sadness... we will hurt each other... but there is love and hope that makes the risk all the more worthwhile.

Its exciting to know that somewhere there is someone for all of us.. someone who can feel this way and change our outlook of the world as we once knew it.

a choice.

I am on a plane.
I am leaving.
I am departing.
I am exiting.

-Three days in Denver Colorado, three months of confusion and hurt and wanting something I've felt was no longer attainable.

As I turn my head away from the beat up champagne colored sedan, as I walk through the sliding glass doors of the Denver international airport, as I print my boarding pass, maneuver through a surprisingly short security line, as I sit at my gate, as I board the plane, as i find my seat and stow my bag, as i fly away.. I leave behind a city I hardly know, I leave behind someone I care so much about, I leave behind expectations that have kept me hostage (a welcome captive)...

I let go... As I fly away, I let go.

It hurts. It takes my breath away. It makes me want to panic and scratch and claw and fight for what i want. What i cant have. what cannot be. It sucks.

It is so beautiful!!

I am on a plane.
I am moving forward.
I am arriving.
I am embarking.

Three days in Denver Colorado. One, happier than any day I've experienced in the last few months. As I turn my head away from the beat up champagne colored sedan, as i walk through the doors of the airport, as I print my boarding pass, maneuver through security, sit at the gate, board the plane, find my seat, stow my bag... as I fly away... I fly home. I fly toward my friends, my family, the people I fill my life with, the people who invest in the life I've created. Who care so much for me and want to see me happy- fulfilled.

I say a temporary goodbye to a very good friend, I know our connection is strong and can withstand time and space. I know that our roll in each others lives is authentic and real. Somehow... Concrete.

Though bittersweet, I move toward a new hope that is freeing me from my own perception. My own emotions that till now I've enabled to trap me.

I move forward... As I fly home, I choose to move forward.

Its a choice to change and it is exciting and it takes my breath away. The clarity refreshes me and gives me the courage to plan my own journey. My own adventure. My role in this world. It inspires me to let go of something that was never mine to try to possess. Something that cannot be owned or controlled or forced. Something that I can only hold my memories of.

IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

I am on a plane..
I am on my way...
I am not sure whats next...

I am GREAT!

our days are but a passing shadow

The past three months have been a blur of emotions- a challenge- an internal struggle- one lesson after another.

Old goals that have defined who I am… where I thought I was going… who I would become or who I might take on that journey, have been released. New dreams have entered my mind- challenged my routines –turned things upside-down, sideways, but never backwards. What I've realized?

Life is too short to simply EXIST.

I think that is what I have been doing- just existing- Following goals/dreams blindly- never stopping to ask:

“why do you want that?”

“who will that make you?”

“is that considered success?”

The goals I’ve been walking steadily toward for the last ten years are the goals of someone I no longer wholly identify with. That person is insecure and materialistic, that person measures success through the validation of strangers, through the validation of monetary compensation, of how ‘superior’ he considered himself to others, of how he lived his life ‘better’ than the rest. That person judged other people based on physical appearance, social status, personal choices… that person allowed hate to override compassion.

-Doesn’t everybody?-

I’ve become someone who is…

insecure and materialistic, I measure success through the validation of others, through how much income I am bringing in, how hard I am working. I judge other people based on physical appearance, social status, personal choices and every now and then I allow these judgements to override my compassion for others.

-The difference?-

I am aware.

I long for a change.

I ask-pray-strive everyday for this awareness.

I am aware of my human nature and am now equipped to fight it. I am no longer “OK” with simply accepting my own shallow, judgmental, existence.

I know I am absolutely NO better – no more worthy of love, success, and happiness, than anyone else. I am different, but that doesn’t make me ‘better’. The truth? We are ALL worthy of love, success, and happiness- measured in so many various ways… all taking so many different forms.

My awareness comes with a new understanding of love. It opens my eyes to the beauty inside others, it releases my need to judge strangers or seek their validation, it brings the need for wisdom and understanding… compassion… meaning… into my journey.

For me it is now a necessity. Life wouldn’t be whole without it. I’m not there yet - I’m not fully formed – I am not perfect, nor will I ever be here on Earth. The thought of how much I don’t know is at times overwhelming.. at times frustrating.. more complicated than not. But that is the exciting part-

THE UNCERTAINTY!

New Goals! New Dreams! New plans!

A new way to live, to love, to exist! Life is to short to simply fall into stagnant routines, continuously going through a pattern of emotions.

I’m ready for the challenges. I’m ready for the struggles. I’m ready to not simply accept.

I’m ready to LIVE.

"for we are like a breath of air

our days are like a passing shadow"

Psm 144:4

wisdom from a corporately owned coffee chain...

It is my observation that people who live in the suburbs (and to an extent this general rule applies to mid-westerners as well) tend to gravitate toward larger chain restaurants.. cafes... malls..... and of course "trendy" corporate coffee shops with tendencies toward complete world domination.

I personally prefer trendy "independent" or locally owned coffee shop's myself, clearly making me more enlightened than the rest.

Alas, because I was in the suburbs and because I was meeting a client who in fact lives and works in the suburbs it was no great surprise that I found myself asking for my simple drip coffee in form of a: "grande".

Under a large green umbrella shielding spring sunshine I sat, sipped and waited for the mysterious antagonist who had forced me to lower my coffee drinking standards. Incidentally, she was seated two tables down and had been for the entirety of my judgment on her "unoriginal" choice of meeting place. Regardless, the point is that while I waited, and judged, and looked busy writing things in my day planner, and making "important" notes on my to-do list... I happened to glance down at my 'grande' coffee cup.

A simple white paper cup, with a familiar logo in green print and a warning about the liability one takes on by consuming hot beverages from a corporation... and on the back was a quote, not from a poet or famous author or political leader or even from a musician who had kicked a drug addiction and now wanted to share his new found views on living the best life he can with the world at large, but from a "coffee enthusiast" named Anne Morris.

First thought: "I am enthusiastic about coffee... who do I talk to about getting something I say printed on a coffee cup"
Second thought: "I really don't have much to say, perhaps they would just like a picture I have taken."

Selfish thoughts aside, I read what was written by Anne Morris.... I liked what was written by Anne Morris. I wondered what Anne had gone through in her life to come to this sort of wisdom? What Anne believes in? Who is Anne?

Honestly, it really doesn't matter, nor does it matter the format to which her voice is heard. What matters is that she believed in what she had to say enough to submit it (or whatever the process is) to a international coffee conglomerate.. it was selected, printed, and read by me... me, who shelved my judgment long enough to became strangely thankful for the opportunity to step outside of my routine.. be sitting someplace I wouldn't normally be sitting... be reading something I wouldn't normally be reading. Its funny, where the things we need to hear, the things that make us stop and think, the things that slap us upside our heads and say... you may go to hip, trendy, overpriced, independently owned, coffee shops, in your hip, trendy, overpriced, downtown neighborhood.. but you do not have it all figured out. Its true. I don't. Wisdom, clarity and what we might need to hear at that exact moment in time can come to us from the most unexpected places.

We just have to be open.

Commit to that "openness".

Get out of our heads, cause we never know where new wisdom will reside.


"The irony of commitment is that it is deeply liberating- in work, in play, in love, the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." -
Anne Morris "coffee enthusiast"

the sea, a shack and a new relationship... or three

I was on location in a small coastal town about a month ago. It was a busy weekend where the lines of work and fun were blurred and I barely had a minute to think about anything other than the present. It was nice. The struggles in my personal life were shelved for a full three days as I surrounded myself with my job, friends and the cool, crisp, windy sun-filled sea air. I wasn't able to 'dwell' that on the cusp of summer, the 'relationship' I was in... ended.

Though short, by most standards, I had grown attached, connected to this person who challenged me and brought a new outlook into my life. With that new outlook came a refreshing example of personal faith and inspired new avenues and commitment in my own faith. I am not one to form attachments this strong and this quickly and the end was difficult -as were the months that followed- There was an emptiness in my world. The loss of this friend, this connection, was felt every day... hour... minute. Exhausting.

So- This beach weekend was a welcome relief. Its ironic that the times when we aren't paying any attention, often are the times when the things we aren't paying attention to... resurface. Waiting for me at home was a simple friendly email briefly detailing a corner of our country I would be inspired by and a book suggestion..
'The Shack'.

Though I happened to own a copy of this particular book it had sat on my shelf for over a year, I had never picked it up. Really hadnt given it much thought. It wasn't until someone who meant the world to me suggest I read it, that i felt compelled to open it. As though reading this book would once again confirm feelings that this person cared about ME. Thought about ME.

What I did not expect was the effect that this simple narrative would have on me... on my life.. and above all, my faith. "The Shack" is a story of a man dealing with loss and pain and more sadness than Ive felt in a lifetime. Page by page I would read and feel guilty for spending the last few months of my life feeling lonely and ultimately sorry for myself.

This man, Mack, is treated to an unforgettable weekend that uproots his world and challenges all that he believes to be 'true'. He is able to establish a personal connection not only with God, but with Jesus and the Holy Spirit... In his connection with this trinity that to me has always seemed just beyond my own reach, suddenly became accessible.

I started to realize that though I "believe" in God and in Jesus, I haven't really had an authentic relationship with either of them. The more I read the more I became engrossed in Mack's story, and yearned for his experience... was envious of his ability to eventually connect with the three persona's of the Christian faith. I wanted that. Each conversation became more related to my own life and eventually this once elusive God, and his son and his spirit became close friends. My prayers evolved. They were laced more with love and acceptance of others, than with worldly gain and judgment. I was different. Funny, what a book can do. I as read and each chapter passed I felt something new in me. A love like Ive never felt. Unselfish love. Its the point isnt it? We get so caught up in how being loved makes us feel, we forget the beauty that is born when we love others. That is the real gift. That is what God intends and what Jesus preached. Not discriminating, not self serving, not passive... but real, authentic, unselfish, unconditional, humble, expressed, LOVE.

I was worried when I finished the book, my new friendships would be gone. Worried they would no longer be tangible. I would no longer be able to pick the book up, open it and connect with them as simply as it is to call a friend to meet for coffee or a walk in the park. Yet again, I had formed a quick and strong attachment and it scared me. I felt alone, unready to move on, unready to let my new friends go. But, the truth is, no one said I had to. They have been inside me since my first day on this earth. It was ME that was closed off to THEM, and not the other way around.

God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are not worldly. They do not change their minds. They do not have doubts about the uncertainty of our relationship. They are not afraid to get attached to me, to commit to me, they are not afraid I will hurt them. They will not reject me. They will forgive me. Their love is now more apparent in my life than anything or anyone. Though I cannot see them, they validate who I am. They love me no matter what. They see the terrible corners of my thoughts, my weaknesses, my shortcomings, my judgment, my guilt, my selfishness, stubbornness, choices, rules, rebellion, routines, pity... they see all of that and manage to look right through to focus only on Their creation. Though most of the time, lost, broken and irrevocably human, these three elusive entities love me for me.

With that knowledge, I can move forward knowing that if they can love me despite the seemingly negative list that drags us all down and tells us "you're just not good enough", I can love me too.

My prayer to everyone is that we gain the wisdom to love as God loves, with no agenda or expectation... nothing needed or necessary in return.

That is the beauty I found during my time in 'The Shack'. I went in feeling sorry for myself and left with a new understanding of why I am here.

Its really is all worthwhile.

forward motion

I might be starting to get it...

One step at a time...

One foot in front of the other...

The concept is easy, but the execution is a challenge.

"And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony." Col 3:14 NLT

I think its about forgiveness...

I was once in a relationship. It lasted just under three years. It was the longest, sometimes happiest, sometimes most destructive 'relationship' of my life to date... It ended over a year and half ago. Contact has been minimal. we have moved on in our own ways. Though we have grown from being together and from being apart, it is over.

Today, I received a card. It read;

"You are very special and I wish you all the good things your heart can handle. Take extra care of that big heart. You mean so much to so many people, including me." Love B

I needed this. Not because I needed validation from this person who is part of my past, but more just the sentiment it carried and the door it opened. Just when you get used to people being gone from your life, somehow, the important people find their way back in.

It can be unexpected and somewhat sudden. However- it proves that when someone means a lot to you, or you have shared something with someone [-a life -a love -pain -loss...], it is a beautiful and refreshing thing when they enter into your life in a completely different capacity.

The hurt we inflicted on each other in the past, the resentment, the power struggle , the mistrust, the anger and the silent games, are now, all ... somehow... gone.

A blurry memory.

We realize how much negativity we hold onto and how much it prevents us from truly loving as God intends. Once released, the power of this 'unconditional' love can not only mend the pain of the past- but also rebuild the foundation of the future.

Forgiveness.

Love.

For these seemingly unoriginal ideals to actually be enabled, we need to first apply them to ourselves and then direct them outward toward the people that make up our lives, the past relationships that have ended, the strangers who cut us off in traffic, the parents who wronged us, the friends that have disagreed with our opinions... everything and everyone we hold on to.

Forgive our own imperfections then: Forgive the past. Forgive the pain. Forgive the resentment. Forgive all the things we hold onto that limit us and hold us back from loving ourselves and loving each other.

wholly. unconditionally. once again...
LOVE.

LOVE-might be a stray eyelash...

I have a friend- Like most of my friends, she is someone I work with. She is young, smart, witty, and seemingly has her life together. The epitome of the "independent woman". She is the type of person who's life alone, seems whole. With such a dynamic and magnetic personality, you could never imagine a man who could complete her... fill her up... be anywhere on or around the same level as her.

YET- Such a man exists. To hear her talk about her husband is like hearing the equivalent of ancient love poems or Shakespearean sonnets. Her voice raises an octave, her face flushes and her body softens in a way that seems she might crumple to the ground in a heaping mess of adoration. Ive never heard her utter a single negative word about him, nor him, about her. They are supportive. They are compassionate. They truly LOVE each other.

Tonight, I was blessed to be able to have dinner with them. We sat and ate crepes and drank cheap beer at a 'hole in the wall' french cafe under a freeway overpass. In the dimness of garishly painted red walls, i witnessed them together. Though never a disgusting display of affection, their love for each other is plain, and always evident.

They carry on conversations in an independent way- they didn't even sit next to each other. (though i believe this was a valiant attempt to ease me into not feeling like the dreaded "third wheel") Never the less, their love enveloped our table.

Its interesting... to witness this, to observe two peoples deep, tender, ineffable feelings of affection toward each other. It makes me think and reflect about my own relationships -what was wrong? -what was right? It makes me think to the future -what is important? valuable? authentic?

What is next?

I thought about the present... where I am at right now... the person who fills up my thoughts... the notion that things change... people change... the thought that we may never have the chance to be this couple, and the realization that...
Ill... be .... ok.

These are the thoughts of growth. These are the thoughts of peace.

This is inspired.

As I witnessed my friend blow a stray eyelash from her husbands cheek, and kiss him on the nose... I felt strangely connected to these two people. I felt wrapped in their intimacy - inspired by their connectedness - encouraged that love like this exists.

THIS is a true reflection of humanity- not the hate, greed, violence, cynicism that consumes our media and our point of views. THIS is why we are here. To tear ourselves open to another person in this way and then let God sew us together- solidifying what is right about being human.

We are messy and broken and truly NEVER perfect. Although, with love we can get pretty damn close. ♡.

"Lights Will Guide You Home...."

Tonight was a rare evening. I was caught up on work and I had no plans with friends or family and I found myself looking forward to a couple hours spent entirely in the company of my couch. I decided to watch a documentary that had been delivered the day before. "Young @ Heart". It follows a choir made entirely of senior citizens, who tour the world unexpectedly performing hits from the Clash, Jimi Hendricks, Springsteen etc..

Though not always the most vocally talented bunch, this group has more heart than most of the people I've met in my comparably brief lifetime. During the hour and 45 min, I was surprised at the emotions that flowed freely from my soul. As I watched them practice, perform, struggle with complicated tongue tying lyrics, not to mention their general weakness of physicality, I became more and more attached to this handful of complete strangers.
Though the film chronicles two months in the Young@Heart Chorus members' lives as they prepare for a one-night concert in their hometown, two individuals held my attention.

Bob, and Fred.

Bob, a frail, ashen man more concerned with what octave to start in and less about the fact that he could barely catch his breath to speak.
&
Fred, hooked to a portable oxygen tank, was a larger man, with an even larger amount of charisma, and a voice that was shockingly similar to Johnny Cash.

Bob and Fred were chosen to perform a duet of Coldplays "Fix You".

A week into rehearsals, Bob passed away. The choir was notified shortly before they were to perform at a Massachusetts state prison. Though upset, distraught and probably questioning their own mortality, they went on stage. (in this case a grassy hill in the prison yard) … they sang. They sang with joy. They sang for their lost friend.

With frail swaying arms, this group of feisty geriatrics, inspired and moved the prisoners. Hardened, tattooed men, fought back tears. They felt. They opened themselves up, and embraced the joyfulness of the music.

The choir pushed on, and rehearsed and struggled and expressed how this special community helped to keep them young… helped them to have something to look forward to each day.

On opening night, their joy touched a packed theater, a full audience built of a variety of people. A community. Midway through the show, Fred, having lost his partner, sat alone in the middle of the stage.

Alone. The only sound, the electronic pump of his oxygen machine, he entered into the song dedicated to a fallen friend.
………………
“fix you”

I’ve probably heard this song over 100 times on the radio and have till now, written it off as “another pretty love song” but… quite suddenly… this popular song took on a whole new meaning. No longer a song from an overly emotional, sensitive boy to his love, it was now a song to a broken human from his loving God.

A song about hope, and strength and growth. A song about overlooking past failures, and regrets. A true love song about the one relationship that is pure and healthy. The one relationship we continuously take for granted… that we overlook… that we neglect… and yet this love is forgiving and knows our worth. Knows that even though we may think the love doesn’t fit, loves us anyway.

I cried (a lot)

It was good. It was beautiful and I released so much pain inside that I was holding onto. So much sadness I hadn’t been able to let go of. I was thankful for this flow of tears. For this blessing that I really didn’t expect when turning on the dvd player. Thank you Fred and the choir, thank you Bob, Thank you for the delight that they bring to people and the infectious happiness that spreads from each note they sing.

“…and high up above or down below, when your too in love to let it go, but if you never try you’ll never know, just what your worth…. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try…. to fix you.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_n0zvoHlVk

What If?

Today was spent in the company of two good friends.

Aaron: I have known for years, but more important than longevity, we have known each other through a gamut of times, experiences and emotions. Frustrations, Heartaches, Success, Love, we have talked about it all. I can count on him to always be there.

Liam: Though, Ive known him for a significantly shorter amount of time, he is someone I trust. Gentle, Goofy, Witty and always there with an ear when things are a bit rough.

Though there are HUGE differences when comparing myself to both of these men, I am grateful for the blessings they both bring into my life... I am grateful for their friendship.

Today, a warm, sunny, lazy summer Sunday, was spent boating on the river. Enjoying life. Forgetting problems- embracing true joy and losing ourselves in an easy, effortless sort of pleasure. Boating, was followed by beers and a burger which was followed with a late movie.

"The Hurt Locker"

A gritty an honest movie about three soldiers fighting in Iraq in 2004. Many thoughts came to me as I stared at the desert landscape for the better part of two hours.... and, what started as an opinion on war in general and the devastation, hurt, pain and scars it leaves on our world, on our humanity, turned into deeper insights on the lives it effects.

WHAT WE TAKE FOR GRANTED...

Amidst our brew pubs, boats, and air conditioned movie theaters, how often do we stop and think about the thousands of soldiers protecting our freedoms.

We distance ourselves. We rarely stop to think about the things these soldiers are expected to carry out on a daily bases... inhuman things.... hateful things... destructive things... then we ask them to simply "come home" and lead a "normal" life. Go to the grocery store, change a diaper, make a bank deposit... make love to their wives... relate to their families...

BE...

"n-o-r-m-a-l"

The movies was well made and well acted, though graphic at times. It did not in my eyes glorify war, but was more a showcase of the living hell it brings to those who's lives it touches. It was a window into a world I often don't give much thought. As I witnessed the Iraq in the movie, which as I can only imagine is a sugar coated taste of the actual country, I became increasingly thankful for my life and my simple and virtually unacknowledged freedoms.

As the movie ended, I found myself playing "what if?"

-What if it was ME over there?

-What if my day spent with Liam and Aaron involved dodging gunfire instead of wakeboarding and intertubing?

-What if that story was our reality, like it is for so many?

-What if WE were living that hell?

It is a reminder, we should treasure the time we have with the people we care about. We should never take for granted the conveniences in our lives. We should be constantly thankful of our simple freedom.

And...

...as often as we can, we should STOP. We should take a second to think about the people who fight everyday in the name of that freedom. The people who's lives are ripped apart by the violence of hate. Ripped apart by war.

The soldiers, yes. Their families, yes. Their mothers, yes... but also, the people of these countries so far away, so disconnected to our lives.... the man in the marketplace who is buying dinner for his family, the boy selling pirated DVDs on the army base... the people of a nation that has been torn into so many pieces no one knows or can estimate when or if, it can be mended.

Compassion. We have it in us. Stop. Think. Love... Give patriotism a rest. Love. Give prejudice a rest. Love. Think about what we are asking of soldiers. LOVE. Think past our clean, easy, uncomplicated lives.... LOVE.

We have it in us.
I could be that soldier....
I could be that man in the marketplace...
I could be that boy selling DVDs....
So could YOU.


LOVE.

where excess exceeds expectation

WE DISTRACT OURSELVES-

I DISTRACT MYSELF-

Work- Play- Friends- Schedules- "Responsibility"

We use these things to mask feelings, to cover our pain, our loss, our emotions...
We call this "Living"...

I woke up in the middle of the night, and for some reason had a saying my head... a saying Ive never heard... "where excess exceeds expectations". I wrote it down, rolled over and went back to sleep. In the morning, i looked at my journal and there at the top was this curious little compilation of words that my mind for some reason put together. It made little sense to me, but i knew that if I gave it an appropriate amount of reflection, i would find some sort of meaning in the obscure thoughts of my sleep.

There are many things that really come to mind... How we live in excess... how we overcompensate for so much in our lives, how we really don't NEED the things we possess, and quite honestly how most of us (myself included) take that "excess" for granted... What i chose to dwell on though, was the excess of distraction.

Lately, Ive filled every minute of my day and night with "Activities"

wake up... check emails... meeting... gym... shower... drinks with a friend... movie with another friend... sleep... wake up.. check emails... edit... gym... shower... dinner with brother... sleep.. wake up...

I am attempting to drown out thoughts that tend to wander to certain area of my recent past... thoughts that linger and stir up a kaleidoscope of emotions, happy memories that are suddenly overtaken by a flood of sadness and longing. No longer wanting to enable this pain, I have quite simply not scheduled time for it.

To strip away the excess we surround ourselves with, the distractions, we are then left alone with our thoughts, Messy. At times painful. Sappy. Human thoughts. Time alone facing these perceptions of our feelings, can be staggering, full of so much fear and insecurity.

Unless, when we strip away all the excess, we find exactly what God intends us to find....

HIM.

JESUS.

There. Waiting. As always, for us to glance his way. For us to look past our day planners, our gym memberships, our happy hours and our meetings over high priced coffee... Waiting for us to push aside the things we clutter our existence with and truly see Him, and his love, and the beauty in that, and the power we could allow him to fill our lives with. How can we expect to truly FEEL what God has intended for us, if our lives are full of unnecessary excess?

We cant.

a realistic romance

I just got off the phone with my stepmother. A woman who has been in my life for 20 plus years. A woman who has cared for me as a child of her own. A woman who has had to live with my very complicated father for a very, very, very long time.

Through a magnitude of problems, imperfections, sickness, financial instability, and everything else imaginable that accompanies twenty years of marriage... she has stood by him and him by her.

Tonight we discussed my Dad's recent diagnosis of Diabetes and a new heart condition that doctors are saying might take his life in as little as a year.

Having first hand knowledge what it is like to live with my father through sickness after sickness, and one death scare after another.... surgeries.....  medications.... doom...  dread...and a general negativity that robs him of being the person he could be... takes a special, patient type of person, that honestly I stopped trying to be a very long time ago. You build a numbness to the guilt that is inflicted by watching the man you are meant to look up to, live in a world of pain and uncertainty. You simply try to encourage, love, and offer any positive perspective that generally goes unheard.

This conversation with my Stepmother was different than others we have had. There was an honesty to it, a raw emotion... a tone to her voice that was lined with both strength and hopelessness. In that voice, I heard twenty years of love that had survived times of resentment, unhappiness, and wanting nothing more than leave and start over. A love that penetrated every word she spoke. Every word that held the seriousness of his situation... of her situation.

As she talked about "options", about doctors, about shots and pills and tests, and about his frustrations and discouragement with a body that is failing him. A body that was once strong. Powerful. A star athlete. A police officer, A coach. A body that now has trouble standing upright. A body that is now bruised from shots and bloated from pills and years of poor dietary choices.
-she cried
-she loved -she felt (and i felt) her words, her loss. She outlined that the only thing she could do was love. support. and move forward. She expressed, that through ALL of this, LOVE was the most important part of their lives.

-This type of love isn't glamorous. It isn't stylized or really even traditionally romantic. It is however, REAL. Its the honest love of two people who have been through a lifetime of challenges and stuck by each other because they felt that their love was worth it. At times it was questioned, but it lasted. It triumphed over arguments, slamming doors and squealing tires. tears shed. hurt inflicted. hearts wounded. pain felt. IT LASTED. It dripped from every word she spoke. From every tear i hid from her through the phone. Its a reality that was staggering.... and inspiring.

For my parents, a love that has been challenged on more occasions than can be added up is now, through pain and sickness, stronger than ever.


"to make this journey and not fall deeply in love, is to never live a life at all..."
Anthony Hopkins, Meet Joe Black

synopsis of two souls sparking

• a nickle arcade
• a slap on the chest
  
• the top of a boulder in Boulder
• the freedom of a hawk
• the decision to kiss
• Irish folk music and two lesbian arguing over shoes
• an early morning interruption
  
• the perfect split between savory and sweet
• Collide(ing) with the help of a guitar on a bed in a basement
• a flight
• the excitement of uncertainty
• conversations from a thousand miles away and a mile above
• falling-longing-attaching-reading till one in the morning
  
• uneasiness caused by an underwear model
• asparagus, a sail boat, a sad girl named Shelly and some toast
• a train- a flight
• an emerald city
• an unveiling
• friends, first meetings, frog legs, and Guinness
• a train
• a stomach ache
• an airy loft- light and white
• a song from a Pretender
• a hyperactive hike
• a walk with questions looming
• a man in his head
• laughing about absolutely nothing
• a journal and a magnet
• a flight
• longing though only for a week
• learning to pray, learning to trust
  
• a flight
• a rainy reunion and the clarity of an aspen tree
• a windy hill and a tattered book store
• two dollar beers
• a snowy drive
• the view from a gondola high above a mountain town
• a sad movie and a couch not meant for two
• a closet organization
• a BBQ, a comedy club and a talk about uncertain futures
• some tears
• an internship and an internal sadness stemmed from selfishness
• a flight
• a koala bear mask in a box that looked as though it contained a bomb
• a mistake not to go to a concert
• a plan involving subletting
• a flight
• a tour of the east
• a new connection
• a bed, glowing in late afternoon sunlight
• an early alarm
• a shadow disappearing around a corner
• hesitation
• craigslist housing ads
• a busy couple weeks
• a canceled flight
• a graduation
• a request for space
• a week without
• apprehension
• one person's decision to hold on, another to let go
• a Wednesday night
• a loss
• a blank computer screen
• an emptiness....

Looking back- its all so clear- so crisp- the memories- so lifelike. The memories I am supposed to box up and put on a high shelf only to be looked at again when I am rummaging in the closet for some obscure and rarely used object, like an air mattress or Christmas decorations....

Im not ready.

People tell me that I need to be. People who want to see me happy. But, these memories make me happy! Why would I want to let them go? People tell me Ill make new memories- I understand that.. but none will be like these. These belong to me and only ONE other person, and they are "ours" and no one else. Though my memory holds and can recall them easier- more distinct, more vividly, I know they are in us both.

I am not ready to let them go-
Not today-

Maybe tomorrow....